Neglect

I have neglected this blog. I know. I'm sorry :(
This is going to be a neglectful update also, but I think  probably better than nothing?

It's been a very challenging few months since I got back to the States and started grad school. To put it bluntly, I have no time for anything except work any more. I struggle to find time to spend with my wonderful family who are, against all logical explanation or reason, still here. Everything non-essential has been brutally cut including, I'm afraid to say, regular blog posts. I won't even say I'll try to be better because I suspect that would be false hope.

Things are hard. I feel almost daily like I want to give up. Things start to make sense again and I see a glimmer of hope, then I'm either crushed by the sheer volume of work I have to do, or something happens and I feel like an intellectual ant again. I'm not entirely sure what to do. I'm awful to live with (and that's not just self-deprecation). Minx and Hermit hardly see me because I'm always working, and, when they DO see me I'm either stressed because I feel like I should be working, or I'm grumpy and mean because I'm so tired and stressed. And scared. I'm scared a lot these days.

I'm just so tired. All the time. I want to go to bed and not wake up some days, because when I wake up I feel crushed and suffocated once again by school and by my own stupid expectations.

*sigh*

This is very angsty. I'm sorry. When I'm not angsting I adore living with my loves and think we're carving out a good life here. I even have friends! Unfortunately, I also have these things called 'midterms'. In a week. So I should go and learn Hebrew vocabulary. Yay.

Settling In

I've been back in Baltimore for about 3 weeks now, and I'm almost settled in. It's taken me a while, I know. I've had a lot to deal with. Not just the nuts and bolts of moving to a new country and starting a new school, but the scary thing of actually leaving my parent's house and moving out on my own (well, kind of)...and then on top of that there's the sadness of not going home to the UK for a year. My mum and step-dad will be visiting in March, which will be wonderful, but I will be in this strange country and culture for an entire year before I go back to where I am most comfortable.

I actually had a minor freak-out about this the first full day I was back in the US. Thankfully, Hermit was expecting this (would have been nice to have had a warning...) and had ensured that we would have time for me to have my freak-out. That was a really fun day. I cried, I cried some more, Hermit spoke to me calmly, I cried, and eventually calmed down. We talked a lot, and we talked a lot with Minx as well and whilst I'm still not happy about not going to the UK for so long, I am at least comforted to know that it will get easier. It's easier as well now that the house feels like mine again. Even with the best of efforts, being away for so long meant that coming back felt slightly like coming to live in someone else's house. I've unpacked properly and rearranged my room at least twice, so it feels like it's mine. I've cooked in the kitchen enough for it to feel like mine and slept in our bed every night since I got back. The city is beginning to feel more comfortable, too. I know how to get to the grocery store, and the route to university and the Child's school. I've even started to make friends with some of the other grad students in my department, which is very reassuring. Especially because classes start next week, and I'm a bit anxious about them.

It was also reassuring to hear that my supervisor has been telling one of the other students how excited he is about me arriving...

Greetings From Olympic-Land!

Hello! I am currently in lovely, rainy Britain visiting family and sorting out passport/visa stuff. I am stupidly busy and have clearly organised too much stuff to do in the short 2 and a half weeks I'm here, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait until I get back to Baltimore on the 17th for a proper update :(

There will be real posts, I promise!

Gut Instincts

Much of my immediate family are great believers in 'gut instincts'. That is, we are more likely to trust how something feels to us than what may suggested by logic and reason. Some of the worst decisions I have ever made have been decisions in which I have ignored how I feel, and some of the best ones have been ones where I trusted it entirely, against the advice of logic, reason, and a lot of people. Of course, a healthy does of realism is helpful in these situations too. If I had the gut instinct that I could fly, then it is generally a good idea to listen to the logic and realism which tell me that there are better ways of testing this than jumping of a tall building.

I was introduced to the idea of polyamory at about age fifteen, when I read a book my Robert Heinlein. It's called 'The Moon is a Harsh Mistress' and is still one of my favourite books. I had a gut instinct then that this was right, but it took me almost ten years to truly listen to that instinct and act on it fully. Some of the unhappiest times for me were when I tried to bury it completely, and to convince myself that I was wrong, that it wasn't me and that I could be happy with a single person. Most of this occurred during a 4 year relationship with my second boyfriend, Henry. In what became something of a pattern, I met and developed feelings for Henry when I was still with my first boyfriend, Chu. Chu didn't take too kindly to this (for which I don't blame him). I ended our relationship based partly on the fact that I hated feeling like he was allowed to dictate who I could and could not be friends with, and partly because it just didn't feel right any more. After a month or so, Henry and I began dating. For the first year things were fantastic. We were in love, he was wonderful and everything was great. During that time he moved away for work, which was sad, but I knew that I could cope with long-distance (Chu and I lived about 5 hours apart for the last year and a half of our relationship). Then, true to form, I found a friend. An awesome, amazing man, Renshai, who I still hold in very high regard. He liked me, and I liked him, and we liked each other too much for Henry to be comfortable with. I was pretty miserable for a while because I felt like I was treating Henry poorly because of how I felt about Renshai but I did not want to stop seeing him because...well, I didn't want to. I wasn't going to leave Henry for him and I didn't see why Henry was so insecure about the whole thing. Henry's reaction aggravated me so much that I broke up with him. Guess what? It didn't feel right any more. At this point I should have stuck to my decision and got on with me life. That's not quite what happened...

Henry and I got back together in less than 2 weeks, he persuaded me to stop seeing Renshai socially (one of the worst decisions in my LIFE, I still can't believe I actually agreed to it) and we stayed together for another 3 YEARS. I think at least 2 of those years I spent waking up next to him on the weekends with this knot in my stomach, thinking 'this is just not right'. I convinced myself that things would get better, especially when he moved closer to me (something that was always going to happen, but never quite did). I found another inappropriate friend who sadly had to move away to the US, Henry broke up with me because I finally told him I couldn't do monogamy. The thing that most sticks in my memory about that particular fight is me telling him that all I could give him was my love, and him telling me that it wasn't enough. We got back together the next morning. I spent that summer as a counsellor at a summer camp in upstate New York. While I was away, Henry and my girlfriend (yes, I was allowed a girlfriend, with severe physical restrictions when Henry wasn't with us) basically had sex. This was a HUGE departure from the rules we'd all agreed. I'd always said I'd be fine with it, but as she and I weren't allowed to do anything beside kiss when he wasn't around I was NOT happy with him doing anything more. For some reason, I didn't make a big thing of this. I have no idea why. What did strike me when I saw him again after 8 weeks away was that I really hadn't missed him that much. I'd loved the freedom to talk with and hug whoever I wanted without fear of upsetting him. I came within a gnat's whisker of breaking up with him...and he persuaded me not to, again.

The following year I met Hermit and, as can be guessed from my track record, got 'too close', very fast. It ended up eventually being the breaking point for Henry. He broke up with me 3 months after Hermit and I met, and I think it was the biggest relief of my life to date. Writing it all out like this, I don't know why I thought it would get better with Henry. He consistently showed himself to be unhappy with polyamory, and unwilling to share me with anyone. I deeply regret being who he wanted me to be for so long, and regret that I wasn't strong enough to stand up for my friendship with Renshai. I will never again sacrifice a friend or a family member for someone's self-esteem. There is one, rather large, positive thing that came out of all this though. I know who I am. I know what freedoms I need in my life and I know that I will never be anyone other than myself, no matter how nicely someone asks. There is also the fact that if Henry and I had stayed apart after the first time, I may never have met Hermit and Minx. And that would be a terribly sad thing. They are most definitely worth it :)

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that however logical or reasonable something seems, if it doesn't feel right for you, it probably isn't. And however crazy or insane something else seems (like following a married man to a different country, say), if it feels right then it is most definitely worth a try.

Moving On

It hit me last week, quite suddenly. I am going to be leaving my job in just over two weeks. I'll be leaving the boys, and this house, and embarking on an entirely new adventure. Actually, I'll be leaving the boys in only a week because they're going on vacation and I'm on cat-sitting-duty again. I don't quite know how I feel about this. Despite my initial problems with the boys I have grown really very fond of them. The Baby is...well, MY Baby. He's grown so much in the past few months. He's walking, his talking is improving day by day and he knows ME. He is happy to see me on Mondays and we spend an awful lot of the week laughing and having fun together. He also said my name for the first time on Monday, which made me feel fuzzy :) The Toddler is a delight as well...affectionate and smiling and nowhere near as grumpy as he was when I started. And in just over a week, I won't see them. I'll visit in August, but that'll be it for a year or more. I'm not entirely sure how to explain to the Toddle that I won't be able to come to his 4th birthday party...which he reliably informs me will be a Batman party. I've tried telling him that I'll be far away, but he said I can just come to England for the night and then go home again. It's very sweet, really.

I will miss them. But at the same time, I am so excited about what comes next! The house is almost ready for us to move into, I'm feeling good about my PhD and I get to go home for a couple of weeks too. I've been feeling pretty homesick recently and a couple of weeks in rainy England will be just what I need. Everything is going to change again though. It will be good change, but it is more change nonetheless.

I'm also somewhat apprehensive about going home.  I'm very excited about it, but things are strained between my Mum and one of my sisters. The sister is...not happy, to say the least, and is taking a lot of that unhappiness out on my mum. Unfairly, might I add. She won't admit she's not happy either which makes the whole thing ten times worse because she won't see how cruel she's being, because that would be an admission. Apart from anything else, she needs some home truths and someone is going to tell her soon...which will make things either significantly better or significantly worse, and no-one quite knows which way it's going to go. I'll go into more detail on that at a later date.

So for now, I am enjoying the time I have left with the boys and trying to remind myself of as much Akkadian as possible before classes start in August and I start feeling like I'm totally faking my intelligence again :/

4th of July

This 4th of July was by far the most enjoyable I have spent in the USA - though it's only the 3rd I've had! The previous two have been while I was at camp, which was enjoyable, but not exactly exciting. Lots of fireworks though. This year, we were invited to go to a party at a Quaker Meeting House on Capitol Hill, with a couple of friends of Minx and Hermit, along with some Quakers that Hermit has met but who were new to myself and Minx.

I was...nervous about this. The group of people don't know my relationship to Minx and Hermit and probably wouldn't be overjoyed if they found out. Not that they'd be cruel or mean - these are Quakers, after all, but it would probably not be a terribly positive reaction. So I was stressed about this before we even left the house. To my surprise, it was actually a really good evening! It was a tad awkward when we arrived because, well, everyone knew each other and we didn't. But the people were nice, and there was good food. I thawed slightly when a group of us sat down to play a card game. Now, I'm not really a game person. I am overly competitive, which is not a trait I like in myself. I also do not play any game that does not function on a computer screen often enough to be any good at them....so I am a competitive person who does not win often. It's not a very good combination. Because of this I try to limit how often I play games. It was actually a pretty good game. It wasn't one where a single person could win, which is great, and it was easy enough that you could talk to each other while you were playing. Fun was had! People thought I was a spy and didn't believe me when I said 'no' because I blushed, which is unfortunate for them because I blush when there is a lot of attention on me, not when I lie. There were attractive men and I got to sit next to Minx which I always enjoy :D

Then we went onto the roof! In Capitol Hill! And watched fireworks! We could see about 15 different firework shows from the roof, including the big one organised by the government. So I spent that evening sitting on the roof, watching fireworks with my loves and a collection of some very friendly people. And an attractive man who voiced the opinion that I should do 'all the talking' so he could listen to my accent. Which was lovely to hear.

My Week of Rest

The Family (the ones whose children I care for), was on vacation for an entire week for the 4th of July. That meant that, apart from taking care of the cats and doing some bits around the house, I had no work to do. The Child was also away, as Minx and Hermit had made the decision to let her grandparents have her for the week. It was the most time we had all spent together, with no children. It was...wonderful, really. More stressful than I think anyone had intended, but it was still wonderful! My stress mainly stemmed from the fact that I had intended to use the week to get a whole load of studying done...and that simply didn't happen. I got some done, but what with having to go between the house and the apartment, get started on some of the Family's packing, starting to pack Minx and Hermit as well as a thousand other errands, I didn't get anywhere near as much done as I wanted. I did manage to move my bed frame and desk from the house to the apartment, which was GREAT! I did not get lost while driving, which was awesome.

We didn't manage to get any date nights in either, which seemed a bit wasteful of an entire child-free week, but actually it was lovely. We just had...life. With me sleeping there the whole week, not having to go to work or worry about anything much. We ate dinner together, lounged around the apartment, watched films...lots of normal, everyday stuff. It was relaxing. And I did lots of baking! Cookies, and chocolate and bananna muffins. It was a delicious week.

There was a 4th of July party which I will detail in another blog. The other exciting thing of the week was that I found something cool on freecycle. It's a piece of German furniture which is designed to go over a couch - kind of like a mantle over a fireplace. This particular one was owned by a military family who bought it over after a posting in Germany. They found it in an antique shop in Germany. It's very beautiful - dark brown wood, with a couple of glass sections backed with antique lace. It will look stunning in our sitting room :D When Hermit and Minx picked it up last week they also took a chest of drawers for me. It is also pretty :D Blue, with very ornate filigree handles.

Given that I waited this long to blog about it, there's not much else I have to say...which will teach me to blog about my weeks in a more timely fashion!

How The Bank Almost Ruined Our Plans

If you have been paying attention, you will know that we have spent a considerable amount of time over the past few months looking for, and trying to buy, a house. Minx and Hermit have been dealing with the mortgage stuff - mainly Minx, as she's the one who's name is on the loan. She has had to fill out approximately 300 million forms* and has done so quickly, efficiently and with minimum amount of fuss for the bank. One might, therefore, reasonably expect the bank to put in a similar amount of effort. If her co-operation wasn't enough, then maybe the fact that it is a business transaction that they would make a considerable amount of money from would be.

Apparently not. They called Minx sometime last week, maybe 3 days before we were due to finally close on the house, and told her that she needed to have a 45 minute counselling session in order to satisfy the requirements and therefore get the money. She called the relevant people and they didn't have a slot available til sometime the following week. Ok, so maybe we couldn't close on Friday. Well, that's upsetting and throws all our plans off, but we can still buy the house at least. By some miracle, she manages to get a session the following day because someone has dropped out. Apparently, the bank should get the required paperwork in time, so Friday can still happen! Hooray!

Oh. No, wait, it says here that you're in a contract for a rental property until November? Yes, yes we are. And you have been aware of this for MONTHS. Ok, well this means that you now can't buy ANYTHING until October.
...
Yes, this actually happened. Because Minx and Hermit's contract on their current flat doesn't end until November, the underwriter told them they couldn't buy anything, as they'd effectively be paying for 2 houses. Never mind that they've know for months, and that their flat is likely to be re-rented long before then. Hermit makes a call to the apartment complex and they agree to let them out of the contract (for a fee, of course). By this time it's after 5pm on Thursday and we still have no idea if the underwriters will accept this...and won't know until Friday morning. So we spend a very tense night packing all the cleaning stuff just in case we can get into the house and clean it like we'd been planning for several weeks.

Somehow, by some kind of miracle, it all works. The bank accepts everything, Minx and Hermit close on the house, and I drive up that night with the Child and Dog. We all breath one HUGE sigh of relief, and some of our stress starts to disappite.


*Maybe even more. I didn't pay that much attention, but there were A LOT. Like, more forms than God needed to fill out to get planning permission for the continent of America.

Bi Pride

One of the things that surprised me most about DC Pride was the extreme lack of anything to do with bisexuality. By 'extreme lack' I mean there was NOTHING. No group in the parade, not stall at the festival, even the vendors had exclusively gay or lesbian merchandise. Not even one shirt saying 'I love guys and girls'. Nothing. You could be forgiven for thinking that bisexuality doesn't even exist, or at least isn't included in the queer community. It was pretty frustrating. I consider myself queer, and definitely a member of the LGBT community, yet I wasn't represented at all in a whole weekend that is supposed to be about being proud of our diversity and sexuality. I've never felt quite so invisible as a sexuality, not even when surrounded by straight people. It was...strange.

This strangeness turned to aggravation, frustration and mild anger late on Sunday afternoon. Hermit and I had been to the festival with Child. It was pretty obvious - there was a rainbow flag on the stroller and Hermit had one pinned to his back. We were waiting for the train and I gave him a kiss, as I am wont to do. Then this girl (I assume she was gay) said in a pretty loud whisper to another girl (probably also gay) "Why are there all these straight people at Pride?". Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware you could now tell someone's sexuality just by looking at them! How stupid of me. Yes, of course I'm straight. I'm kissing a man, there's no other sexuality I could possibly lay claim to! I didn't say anything on the grounds that getting into a yelling match with an insecure 18 year old lesbian wasn't a good way to end the day, but I wasn't happy. I'd spent a great weekend celebrating my sexuality and my loves, and this adolescent has a problem with me being at her event because I kiss men? Awesome. Go Pride!

Frankly, even if I WAS straight, I'd be pissed off at that. LGBT people are in the minority. We need the support of the heteronormative majority to get any rights, legitimacy or to just not be lynched. I was highly encouraged by the amount of people marching for PFLAG during the parade. To see that many 'straight' people still loving their family though they're gay is AMAZING! It shows so much progress and hope for people who have been disowned for the simple fact that they love the wrong gender. We shouldn't bee discouraging straight people from coming to Pride, we should be inviting them with open arms! It's a celebration! Everyone should be celebrating, regardless of who they sleep with.

Stupid 18 year old lesbian.

Despite her comment, the vast majority of people we say smiled at us, wished up happy Pride, or just plain didn't insult us for the entire weekend. I do still wish that bisexuals had been represented, even a little bit. If I were staying in DC I'd put some effort into that happening next year...

Family Pride

We went to DC Pride this weekend! It was fantastic fun, especially the parade on Saturday, We left the house kind of early and walked down with Child in the stroller. She fell asleep on the walk, which was nice as she stayed sleeping when we got to the parade route and picked out somewhere to sit, so Hermit, Minx and I got some time to be grown-ups together. The parade itself was loooong! It took a couple of hours and some of the organisations there confused me a bit (HSBC? You're a gay company now?). I do understand that they were showing their support but was a bit cynical about the whole thing until Minx kindly explained to me that at least some of the companies there probably had very strict anti-discrimination policy, which is a huge thing in a country in parts of which it is still legal to fire someone for being gay. So you go, HSBC! Protect your gay employees and come to Pride! Of course, there were the obligatory drag queens and semi-naked men and women...mostly men. Though there was a decidedly attractive woman on a motorbike right at the beginning who had nothing covering her breasts but her girlfriend's hands, who was sitting on the back of the bike. I enjoyed that. There was also a float themed on the British Olympics! Yay Britain! It was for the DC Aqua Club so there were lots of men wearing speedos with the Union Jack on them. I didn't quite see the connection, but one of the barely-clad men kindly explained that it was really just a theme that had something to do with swimming. Oh, and the had the Queen there too! She'd put on a bit of weight and looked distinctly more masculine than I remember, but her wave was very regal so it must have been her.

One of the things that I enjoyed more than anything else about the parade was Minx. I always enjoy her of course, but she was so affectionate. She's not one for conflict (meaning she'll do almost anything to avoid it), to the extent that she will not do something she really wants to, just in case a random passer-by is offended or bothered by it. This sometimes extends to being physically affectionate with me in public - it's not that she isn't, it's that she's more subtle about it. It decreases even more when we're all out a a family. She was distinctly uncomfortable about even going to the parade, but she pushed herself through it and even held my hand for most of the walk their :D Even in front of non-gay strangers! She was so brave about it, and it meant a lot to me. And at the end of the parade, when the Child was looking elsewhere, she pulled me in and gave me a wonderful kiss. Which I don't think she has ever done, in public, when we're very obviously part of a familial group. It gave me a lovely warm fuzzy feeling :) I am very proud of my darling lady :)

OH! And Hermit flirted with a guy :D it was awesome and he was brave and not at all creepy (something he worries about). So I am proud of him too!

My Adventures With Computers

I am dangerous with computers. I have just enough knowledge to make me feel some level of competence, enough to fake more knowledge than I actually have, whilst being entirely clueless in most things concerning them. The small amounts of information I have picked up from two ex-boyfriends, my brother and various techie friends means that I dislike paying for someone to do something (like, fix my computer) because I'm sure I could do it for free if I had the time to research the problem.

I spilled water on my laptop recently. Not Valerie, my £250 notebook, but my 16", £700+ machine which I have used for 4 years for university stuff and gaming. I feel stupid, to say the least. It kind of turned on a couple of times after I left it to dry, but 9 times out of 10 it didn't get past the loading screen. Given that I hadn't backed up ANYTHING on it, this is concerning for me. I did have back-ups on Valerie, but I recently switched her to Ubuntu and hadn't got around to going through the back-up process again. So, feeling like an idiot, I trekked into Best Buy with my laptop to ask if they could fix it. Also somewhat stupidly, I did not ask the cost of backing up my data and getting an estimate before the woman was almost done with the paperwork. $100 to back up the data, $35 in shipping to get it to their technical centre so someone could take a look at it. $100!! For something that my brother could easily do for free, or that PC World in the UK would probably do for about $40. I said "Um, no thanks" and walked home again. Feeling like an idiot. Why did I walk home? Because I'm pretty sure I can at least do the backing up myself. As long as they hard drive is ok...

So I spent an hour in the afternoon searching for the right screwdriver and very carefully removing the hard drive. Success! I ordered a hard drive enclosure (which should arrive today) so I can try and use it as an external hard drive and get all my files off it, before putting the hard drive back and finding someone to give me an estimate for actually fixing it. Luckily I'm not stupid enough to poke around the insides and try to work out what's wrong myself. Hopefully it can be fixed...

And of course, this happens the week before the next Guild Wars 2 beta weekend. No gaming for me :(

Letters That I Might Send?

I think about my first boyfriend (and second, but this is a post about the first) pretty regularly. I have no idea if this is normal or not and, frankly, I don't really care. There's no regret that the relationship ended, merely regret at how I handled the break-up. As you may have gathered from my post back in February, I remember him with much fondness and really do wonder how he's doing. I hope he's well, and happy. I wonder who he is now. I'm certainly a different person. We started our relationship when we were still in high school - I was 15...and convinced I wanted to go into fashion, or art or something and that I wanted a huuuge family and to live in Scotland as soon as I could. I don't think I'd recognise myself now! I'm an academic, with no interest in children of my own and living in the US of all places. Oh, and Minx and Hermit would probably come as a surprise. I'd think he has changed equally in five years since we parted.

I was talking to Minx last night and saying that I still miss him. He was my best friend in the world :) and she said that I should tell him. This was pretty surprising to me because I'd always assumed that I'd never talk to him again, even though I wanted to. Her comment has opened up that possibility and I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I want to, I really do. But it's a very selfish thing to do and I have no idea how he'd feel about it. Would it upset him? Is it something he'd really rather I'd not do, and should I just leave him to get on with his life? Do I want to do it because I feel guilty about how things ended and want to make myself feel better, or for curiosity's sake and because I loved him once. I really don't know. It's definitely something to think about. It does help that my Mum saw him at the cinema a couple of months ago and she said he seemed really pleased to see her, and they chatted for a while...so clearly he doesn't hate my family at least :)

Memorial Weekend

We spent Memorial Weekend out in Maryland at Minx' parents' holiday house, which is totally beautiful. It's quiet, in the middle of nowhere and backs out onto the Chesapeake River, which is fantastic. We got to leave early on Friday as my boss really kindly let me finish 2 hours earlier than normal, went the back routes to Anapolis to avoid traffic and did some shopping...which I totally didn't plan on, but found 2 fantastic dresses that were purchased anyway. We made it to the house at around 10pm and managed to avoid most of the traffic, which everyone appreciated! Saturday was spent at a Tea Party festival which, as a Brit, was really interesting! It's basically a celebration of the Americans standing up to King George III and is clearly something people here are very proud of - but something that goes almost totally unmentioned in British history classes. I had only the very foggiest of notions that we once ruled the US until I was about 15...and my knowledge still isn't that great, 10 years later! I know that we have more history to cover in school than the US does, but I do think that more time should be given to more recent history than to the Tudors, for example. The Tudors are AWESOME, don't get me wrong, but knowledge of the relationship between the UK and US is far more important for modern life. There's a reason why our cultures are so different yet similar, and learning about out mutual history seems to be to be a great idea.

So the Tea Party was fun :D There was a parade with 2 pipe bands (yay!) and a group of people dressed as English redcoats too, with a Union Jack! That made me very happy to see. There were stalls to look at, a Punch and Judy show (which doesn't scare me as much as it did when I was 10...but is still not something I like), birds of prey and some very yummy food. I had funnel cake. I've never had funnel cake before! It's basically doughnut batter cooked in hot oil, but instead of being doughnut shaped it's basically a bit pile of squiggles. It's given to you with powdered sugar sprinkled over the top and it delicious, but very heavy and sweet. We had one between the four of us, and that was more than enough, yet there were people there with one each! I think if I ate that much sugar and grease at once I'd feel very ill. We spent Sunday relaxing around the house and enjoying the wonderful weather, and the Child and I made origami fortune tellers :D Apparently they're called 'cootie catchers' in the US, but I couldn't tell you why. I used to make them when I was in primary school. I didn't explain to the Child what they're used for, but she had fun. We coloured them in and she calls them 'chicken beaks' and uses them to steal people's noses. Monday was more relaxing, and then we drove back to DC. It was a great weekend :)

God and I

God and I have a somewhat challenging relationship upon occasion. Challenging from my end at least, and I'm pretty sure I've made Her at least give a small sigh of frustration. Or maybe not. It's hard to tell. I'm not the greatest at keeping in touch, and this (unfortunately) extends to God as well. I've always been crap at regular prayer and, subsequently, am not particularly good at it. I catch myself wondering how stupid I sound, or what I'm going to make for dinner, or whether I have time to do some gaming before bed. Not particularly helpful for one's spiritual health.

It's become worse recently. Partly because I haven't been to church regularly for a while, partly (I think) due to stress and partly because I feel like I have so much to DO. I always start the day with the best of intentions. I'll be productive and get stuff done and of course I'll remember to pray. Of course! Then the day actually happens. Some stuff gets done, never as much as I intend, and invariably prayer falls by the wayside. I'm not entirely sure how to address this. One way would be to learn how to pray in a way that suits me, but again this requires time and actually remembering to do it. The more I forget or put it off, the harder it becomes. In fact, I should probably be giving it a go right now instead of blogging about it. Kind of special, huh?

In fact, what I WILL do now (or at least until I start work, which should have been 30 minutes ago but everyone's out...) is make a list of what needs to be accomplished. Prayer will be at the top. I feel better with a list to guide me and it actually helps a lot in focusing my day. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write my list. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for effective prayer, let me know! All help is greatly appreciated...

On Glee

I have a confession to make. I love Glee. I watched most of the first series, then kind of lost it and have only just got back into it with the current series. It's happy, has good music and singing and is great to watch when I'm knitting something that's going to take several months to complete. They've also recently acquired a very attractive young man with dreadlocks, which has just made my viewing experience that much more enjoyable. Unfortunately, I found myself less than thrilled with the ending of the final episode of season 3. For those who aren't familiar, the show takes place in an American high school and half of the cast have just graduated. The final, oh, maybe 8 minutes of the episode show Finn and Rachel, 2 main characters who have been planning on getting married after graduation, driving to what is supposed to be their wedding. Finn surprises Rachel by driving her to the train station, giving what is supposed to be a moving speech about setting her free to she can follow her dreams to Broadway and basically forcing her onto the train. I don't paint a very flattering picture here I know and it's supposed to be about him refusing to hold back the girl he loves from her dreams and being all noble and such. I'm sure the writers intended it to be romantic, some kind of ultimate 'I love you' gesture.

For me...this just did NOT work. Yes, I (like many others) have reservations about people - children - getting married right out of high school. Yes, I was concerned for Rachel when, earlier in the episode, she says she will defer her entrance to acting school to help Finn and Kurt (her best friend, his gay step-brother) reapply to their respective New York schools which they were rejected for. But SERIOUSLY?! 'I love you so I'm going to let you go' is one of the oldest, most tired cliches that exist in the romantic genre. I GET that Finn's heart is, technically, in the right place. I understand that he doesn't want to hold Rachel back. You know how sensible people deal with these issues? They talk about them. They don't surprise their love by breaking up with them the day of their wedding, at a train station. If, after a discussion about the situation, Rachel was still adamant that she wanted to defer then it's her choice to make, whether or not it's the right one. She effectively had her choice made for her by her terribly romantic fiance. Yes, she could have refused to get on the train. By did I mention that Finn had also enlisted without talking to her about it? The main reason he gives her being so she couldn't follow him. A truly wonderful reason for joining the army. So the poor girl is blindsided on what is supposed to be her wedding day, by the boy she has spent most of the season declaring undying love for. Did I also mention that all of her friends are at the station? Oh and her 2 gay dads are going to meet her in NYC. So, to recap. Her entire friendship group and her parents knew about this, and said nothing? It didn't occur to any of them that she might be capable of making her own decisions, and doesn't need her fiance to make them for her? She IS 18. Not totally an adult I grant you, but it's old enough to have a baby, vote, and drive a car. Surely old enough to make her own choices and mistakes?

GAH. This made me very frustrated. Can you tell? It just feels like such a shock coming from a show which has 2 gay and 2 lesbian characters and has featured teen pregnancy and trans-sexuality. Why oh why the need to fall back on a man taking away a woman's autonomy, however romantic the reasons?

Glee, I am not happy with you.

Catching Up

It's been a busy few weeks here in DC :)

I got all of my thesis corrections done in much less time than I anticipated...mainly because my supervisor told me that most of the more substantial editing suggestions were actually advice for whatever I write next, rather than corrections that had to be made so I could pass. Even better was the fact that they were written directly onto a physical copy of the thesis, so the internal examiner who re-marks the work has no record of what corrections I have/haven't done. I made sure I did all the corrections that were documented with the university though! One of the biggest things was that I didn't write chapter conclusions. I cannot for the life of me work out why! I don't especially enjoy writing them I know, but I usually make sure I at least make a token effort. Very strange. So, that has been sent of too be printed and submitted, and hopefully I'll hear back from them soon!

We also found another house :D and have had an offer accepted! We're currently waiting to hear about whether the owner will make the repairs we've requested, some of which are pretty substantial. It's a little nerve-wracking because a couple of them are deal-breakers, in that if he says 'no' then we're going to walk away and keep looking. And none of us want to do that. It's a good house! It's blue, with an awesome porch, on a quiet street. Oh, and wood floors, nearly finished basement, large deck and a good sized garden :D I want to start growing vegetables already! There have been gardening things coming up on the local freecycle and I really want to get them, but there's no-where for me to keep them currently and it's too early...but I want!

The weekend was wonderful. After a stressful week (mainly because Hermit and I had a 2-day argument over something) we went to Maryland to stay in Minx' parent's retirement/holiday home for the weekend. It's on the Chesapeake Bay and is beeeautiful and quiet and lovely. We had a great time cooking lovely food (quiche and potato salad and 2 kinds of pies, oh my!) and spending time with lovely people, as Minx' bestest friend and her family (husband, two kids) came on Saturday afternoon and stayed the night. The child had a great time with the other two and the adults had a great time cooking, drinking and playing drunken Pictionary. For once, I was able to play an American board game and NOT have my lack of cultural knowledge hinder me too much! I only had to ask one question for clarification purposes. Hurrah! Then on Sunday, Hermit and I went to a Quaker meeting which was lovely. Though they had very uncomfortable benches, and I fell asleep briefly and apparently woke myself up in a noisy enough fashion that everyone stared at me. Guess which meeting I won't be going back to...

Too Much Stuff

Dear Reader,

This is official notice that my posts will be even fewer and further between for a couple of weeks :( Remember the awesome house? The one I got so excited about...well, we put in an offer on the same day that someone else did. The seller's accepted the other offer. So, it's back to the drawing board for us and we're seeing more houses on Saturday. On the happy side, I told the child and she was pleased :D Not very surprised (I think she'd already guessed), but definitely pleased. On top of house-hunting, again, I also have some pretty substantial revisions to make to my MPhil thesis before I'm awarded the degree. As I need the degree to start my PhD, and can't stay in the US if I'm not PhDing, it's kind of crucial that I make all the changes, get my Mum to print, bind and submit it, all before the end of the month.
Awesome.
So I'm going to be a little busy, and will have less time than usual to update this blog. In the meantime, I have an article up on Polytical.

Best wishes,
Isobel.

Breaking the News

The child is hinting.
'I wish you could stay with us forever!'
'When you move to Baltimore, I want you to live next door to us so I can see you every day'
'We should get a house wth 4 bedrooms. One for Daddy's desk, one for Mummy and Daddy, one for me and one for you!'

I cannot wait to see her face when we finally tell her that we're all living together. Breaking the news to Minx's parents will be another matter entirely. And she, my poor darling, has the joy of doing it this weekend. They've been asking all kinds of questions about why this house, why so big, why are they going to Baltimore anyway etcetc. They won't be told everything (that would seriously cause more trouble than it's worth) but just the fact that there will be a close female friend living with Minx and Hermit will probably be deeply upsetting. Mother is already concerned about how close I am to Hermit...they have no idea exactly how much time we all spend together and don't really understand how I can be considered 'family' when I am, traditionally, not. Poor Minx :( It's not going to be a fun conversation.

Making a Home

We spent the whole of Sunday in Baltimore, looking at houses, talking about houses, thinking about houses and eating awesome diner food. We saw a total of 7 houses within 2 hours and there were some significant surprises. The very first house we saw was creepy. Dark wooden panelling on the walls and the owner actually followed us from room to room, giving a running commentary. And there were about 6 different types of carpeting, just laid on the floor. Not even fitted properly, or attached in any way. Just laying there. The house we were all waiting to fall in love with just didn't do it. It was beautiful on the outside, beautiful on the inside, but impractical, expensive and  would have cost several thousand dollars to make is suitable. It was built somewhere in the 40s (I think?) and still had all of the original electrics and plumbing. Just bringing that up to date and making it safe would have cost a couple of grand, then it would need redecorating (with potential lead paint, fun times) and the basement needed finishing too. We were sad, because in so many ways it was great  :( One house was full almost floor to ceiling of stuff. Clothes, shoes, beads and boxes and boxes of stuff. You could hardly move in 2 of the rooms, the others were challenging and WOW it needed a good clean. Surprisingly, it was pretty high on the list. The rooms were a good size and it was in a lovely neighbourhood, with about a 10 minute walk to the child's school. It would have taken a bit of work but would have been ok. But then we all stopped and thought exactly how much work we WANTED to put into a house before we even moved in, and realised that it wasn't as much as that place needed. The row houses we saw were actually pretty cool, just very deficient in the garden size. After a lot of talking over a delicious lunch, we narrowed it down to 2 options. A row house that Hermit fell in love with as soon as he walked into, and a somewhat confusing (though lovely) detached cape cod house. Both were very reasonable prospects, but what really tipped the balance was the price. The cape cod was 5k more than our max price and the row house was almost half of that. Bit of a no-brainer, really. Until Hermit had a chat with the cashier at the diner, who told him that the neighbourhood the row house was in is not somewhere we'd want to live. There was a reason why they were giving it away :( In contrast, the cape cod is in a lovely area with low crime rates and where we all feel comfortable. So, we'll be putting in an offer for it!

We all think that we can make it into the perfect home for us. There's room for us all, a lovely kitchen, room for a study, great finished basement and I get to have the attic room :D Oh, and the garden is HUGE. More than big enough for a good vegetable garden, space for the dog and space for the child to be able to play. We're thinking of (if we manage to buy it) staying there for a considerable amount of time, as long as I'm able to get a job and a visa after school. I feel very good about staying there for a while, and making it a home for our somewhat unusual family. Hermit and Minx have both been moving for so long that I think they're both looking forward to being able to settle somewhere. Even if we have to commute a long way for work, having a calm retreat of a home to come back to will (I think) make it all worthwhile.

Actually, I Don't Want Children

Children? Of my own? No thanks.
As a woman (a young, potentially-fertile one, too) it's almost taboo to say that. It's greeted with cries of 'oh, why not?' and 'but you'd make such a wonderful mother!'. These remarks are usually made by other women...usually mothers. If a man says they don't want children, they may have similar responses but, on the whole, it's not as expected of men. Even if people accept that I don't want kids now they tell me that I should keep my mind open, or that I may change my mind one day. Yes, I might. Yes, my mind is open to it. However, your mind should be open to the possibility that some women just don't want children.
Why don't I? Because I think I'd do an awful job of it. I'm impatient, don't cope well with sleep deprivation and, most of all, I NEED MY SPACE. I don't want small, screaming, grubby humans in my face all day. I don't want to be woken from my sleep by an angrily screaming child. I just don't want to go through the stress and aggravation of raising a child of my own. I adore Minx and Hermit's child. I genuinely look forward to time spent with her, and am excited about seeing her grow up. You know what one of the best parts is? I'm not her parent. Occasionally, yes, I am In Charge. I choose to chip in and get her ready for bed, or give her a bath, or whatever. But I am not the sole adult responsible for her. If I don't feel like being talked at non-stop I can go and hide! It's much harder to do what it's your child. Working with the children I au-pair for has just cemented my belief that I should not procreate. Sometimes, work is AWESOME. I get giggling children and I enjoy spending time with them. Normally? Not so much. They scream, the baby hits me, the toddler throws tantrums, they're ill all the time and they don't fucking give me any space! Yes, yes, it's different when they're yours and no toddler of mine would throw a tantrum when they're not allowed TV because I believe in consistant discipline, firm boundaries and respecting one's parents. The fundamental problems would still be endemic to any child-raising experince though. Lack of personal space, lack of sleep (at least for a few years) and lack of freedom. There are some things you just can't do when you have children. Mind you, a lot of these (staying out to 3am drinking, for example), are not things I want to do anyway.

The problem still remains that I can rarely voice my desire to remain childless in a room with other women without someone looking at me askance, or someone telling me in a condescending tone that I'm still young, there's still time, and that clock will start ticking! I'm 25. I am not a child. I like my life, I have things planned for the next 5 years. Children do not fit into that. Once I'm done with school, I'll be 30. Yes, still time to have kids then but there is the strong possibility that I just won't want any. Why oh why can't people just leave me be with this one?!

Come back in 6 years and we'll see how I feel.

To Reply or Not?

This is a slightly odd post to write, as the person concerned reads my blog and so what would ideally be an anonymous monologue will be instead a one-sided conversation. Strange, but there you go. Some back-story may be required, and will be provided as I deem necessary. Though it's not wholly my story to tell, so there may be some gaps. Telling the whole interwebs my life is one thing, telling someone else's is completely different. Suffice to say that I had a girlfriend, whom I shall call Giraffe, and around the time Hermit was getting ready to leave my country and go back to his, when I severely doubted I would ever see him again, things became less-than-good between Giraffe and I, for a variety of reasons. Things happened, there was confusion and I wound up feeling like I'd been abandoned by here at a time when I needed her the most. It was NOT and intentional abandoning and if I'd have opened my mouth (see a theme running through this blog?) and said how lost and alone I felt, I am very sure that she would have been more present for me.

We broke up, agreeing to stay friends. We drifted while I was in the US over the summer, and when I got back I wrote a long message to her saying how I felt about what happened. I don't imagine it was pleasant to read. She apologised (one of the fullest apologies I've ever received) and again, we decided to stay in touch. I've kind of...failed badly on that front. I'm appalling at keeping in touch with people anyway and it takes some serious perseverance to keep up a long-distance friendship with me. It's a major flaw and one that I work at...though less than I should. If I'm entirely honest with myself, I could have done a better job at contacting her. I'm bad, yes, but even I manage to message important people once every few months. I wasn't sure that I wanted to be in contact. She hurt me a lot, and I didn't know if I wanted to put in the insane amount of effort it takes me to maintain a friendship into someone that had, in my eyes, betrayed me. We saw each other briefly when I went home before Christmas, and I felt very awkward. Then, out of the blue, I got a birthday card and a letter from her (tip: I am more likely to respond to hand-written correspondence). The letter was, basically, things she feels that she had to say to me if we were to never speak again. It was beautiful, and thankfully I was at Hermit and Minx's apartment because I started crying like a child.

She wrote that she wasn't expecting a reply, but that if I felt like I wanted to be in touch, she would welcome any contact from me. That kind of stumped me. She hasn't had a reply, mainly because I still (roughly 3 weeks on) don't know if I want to. I miss sitting and talking for hours in a coffee shop with her, I miss getting drunk on gin together and giggling under tables, I miss the conversations we used to have. Hermit and Minx have both asked me if I miss those things, or if I miss her. I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though it's both and sometimes I feel as though I just miss the fun we used to have. It's very confusing, and will probably take me a while to get to grips with.

Giraffe...I don't know. You're not forgotten and never will be, but I just don't know.

Strangers in my House

The grandfather and aunt of the children I look after are visiting for a week. It's...weird. Grandfather is sleeping in the room I have to walk through to get to my bedroom and this means I feel compelled to be back by 10pm...when my normal arrival time if I've been with Minx and Hermit is closer to 11pm. Mainly, I'm having issues with the fact that there are strangers in the house I have to live in. It's weird enough living with my employers, but having strangers for a week is very unsettling. I'm kind of used to having the place to myself during the day. Mom works from home, but a lot of the time she's in her room and the baby and I are entertaining ourselves. I find it very off-putting to be trying to do my job around people who want to do it for free. I had a slight issue this morning. I started at 9am, as normal, but the grandfather and aunt were playing with the boys. Does this mean I didn't start work until 9.30, when the baby was handed over to me? Or at 9, when I was ready to work and found it necessary to busy myself by tidying up and generally hanging round.
Urg. I have no idea.

Never mind, they'll be gone soon...

Absent Thoughts

I've been away for a little bit, and you have my apologies for not giving you any warning. It was my little sister's 21st birthday party on Saturday and I flew home to England as a surprise for her :) Our whole family knew and somehow we managed to keep it from her for months. There were points at which we were sure she'd guessed, most notable my best friend ringing to RSVP to the invitation my Mum sent her, but she didn't! She had no idea! It was wonderful :D Mum came and picked my up from Heathrow at 7.30am and we drove back home. Sister was eating breakfast when we arrived and the look on her face when I walked in was alone worth the stress. We had a huge hug and she started crying. It was so good to see her :) I spent the time I was there with my family, just enjoying having them around. I miss them a lot living abroad and it's by far the hardest part of an international life. I'll be going back again in August, but after that I really don't know how long it will be until I'm next home. Luckily for me, my Mum has started a savings account to save for plane tickets so she can come and visit me next year.

The party itself was great fun and I saw my bestest friend, as well as a lot of other people I haven't seen in several months. I missed my DC family an awful lot though :( I really wish they could have come too, but it's not exactly practical (or cheap) to fly four people to the UK for less than a week. We spoke a lot though and managed to skype on the Child's birthday, which unfortunately coincided with my sister's party. That totally sucked. I really wanted to be there, Minx and Hermit wanted me there...Child did too, but I think Minx and Hermit were more upset by my absence than she was. I will definitely be there next year though! It was slightly strange. I remember Hermit tellng me about skyping for the her birthday last year, as he was in the UK and they were in DC. Kind of strange me being the one on skype :)

The Trouble With Sex

Something that's come up a couple of times in the past week for our triad is negotiating sex. Or rather, what happens when we neglect to do so. We had a set of rules a while ago which have slowly been discarded as they became unnecessary and we have neglected to concentrate any effort in replacing them. 'Replacing' is possibly the wrong word. We don't need a hard and fast set of rules any more. Beyond the 'let me know what you're doing and when you're doing it', and some details on contraception, we're generally happy to let things happen as and when. Whilst this makes for a more natural sex-life, it does leave the door open to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We have tried to get into the habit of each person stating exactly what they want from any sexual encounter that involves all three of us, but it's not something we've managed to stick with and I think it's something we need to make more of an effort on. Admittedly, it does feel a bit weird to stop mid-foreplay and say 'hang on guys, who wants what exactly?', but weirdness aside it prevents upset if you know exactly what the others want, or don't want.

If Minx or I are too tired for actual intercourse, but would like some affection and want to give some attention to the other two, then that is a really good thing to know beforehand. In that instance it stops Hermit from feeling unwanted by one of his ladies and means that the other doesn't  need to worry about taking too much of his physical attention away from her. Or me. I'm getting confused with pronouns a bit. I think that makes sense though? Likewise if we're all really enthusiastic and Minx and I both want a good amount of attention from Hermit (and the other lady...but we have less of a problem with going straight from round one to round two due to physiology) then telling him so before we even start means that we all know he either needs to conserve energy, or that we need to give him a 5 minute break halfway though.

The problem is that once we're all in the mood, stopping to negotiate who's doing what to whom is kind of a buzz kill. It's deeply important and something I think we all need to make an effort at, but remembering to do so in the heat of the moment is not only difficult but kind of frustrating.
Something to think on, at any rate.

A Petty Rant

I am very frustrated by something, and can't work out if I'm being petty or if my frustration is valid. It's in relation to my ex-boyfriend, so there is probably some pettyness in there somewhere, but I hope that it's not the entire reason. There's a bunch of stuff going on, but I guess the main aggravation is that I feel like he's moved into the social space I left. That is a very arrogant statement, I know, and not really true, but it's how I feel. He's socialising with all of my friends and has joined a student group that I was the chair for for a year. He's not even a student! That was MY thing! (ok, that's totally petty). I just feel like there's nothing left in Birmingham that's just mine. He's appropriated everything. I believe he's even going to church socials and he never once went to church with me. In 4 years. I've been out of Birmingham for 5 months and now he's at the pub with my church friends. WTF?!

I know that life goes on without me - both for him and the whole of Birmingham. I just feel like he's taking my space and not leaving anything for me to visit because he's there. I sound like a total child, I know. I just can't shake this. I swear he never made this much effort with my entire social circles when we were still together. It's very frustrating.

Sorry. All you're getting today is a rant. And the awesome news that I went for a run this evening. Yay running!

On Being a Grown-up

I turned 25 over the weekend. In my head, this is a very grown-up sounding age. It's the age that I associate with paying one's one taxes, buying food, going to work and not staying up until 3am playing computer games. Never mind that those are things I've been doing (or not, in the case of gaming) for several years, 25 means that it's official.
I'm an adult.

This was kind of compounded by the fact that we went to look at houses on Saturday! Houses to buy! I've never looked at houses to buy before :D Much less with people I am 'settling down' with, and with whom I'm planning a future. I feel like I should be scared, like I should be being dragged into adulthood kicking and screaming, pleading to stay in immaturity for just one more year. I'm not, though. Not scared, not being dragged, and have no interest in being immature (mind you, I've never been a particularly immature person). I am enjoying this new stage in life. Having to consider other people when I buy bedding is a strange, new restriction, but it's one I like. Being asked how I feel about a certain bedframe is new and reassuring. This feels right for me. Being a grown-up and not living the student lifestyle anymore, even though I'm going back to university in August. I don't think I told you. I got an offer from Hopkins, which I accepted! Brown turned me down a couple of days later.

I feel strangely grown-up, and not the least bit upset about it. Hooray!

Now, I'm off to play computer games until about 7.30pm, when I will sensibly have dinner. Probably.

Rape vs. Sexual Assault

A friend of mine recently posted a question on her Facebook profile page.

"if a male is coerced or pressured into sex with a female and doesn't consent, what is this? The legal definition of rape only covers a penis being forced into an orifice (the male has to be the perpetrator)."

For me, the obvious answer is "rape". Legal definitions aside (and I think that one should most definitely be changed), I believe that forcing sex on anyone, regardless of gender, is rape. Holly Pervocracy wrote an interesting post on consent culture a while ago and whilst I don't think that explicit consent is always necessary in long-term, established relationships, I do think that consent is something that often gets over-looked. In the BDSM community, consent is HUGE. It gets talked about all the time and people are very aware of it. That's not to say that there are no issues with consent at all, but I feel like it's more a norm to discuss consent within that community than out of it. In contrast, consent isn't discussed so openly in the wider community. There's obviously a very strong vein of 'rape is bad' that everyone is aware of, but exactly what rape is is talked about far less often. Is that word reserved for the anonymous, violent assault that we hear about most often? Distressingly the answer is often 'yes'. We don't teach our young people that any kind of sex that they do not want and agree to is rape. Being persuaded to do it because all your friends are is a form of rape, as far as I'm concerned. Doing it for a quiet life is a form of rape. It doesn't have to be this huge, violent thing that leaves you traumatised and damaged.

In terms of education, I think it should be much more prominent in our sex-education system. Teenagers need to be told that rape can and does happen within relatinonships. We should tell them more than 'you have a right to say no'. Yes, they have a right to say no. But what happens if that no is ignored? What happens if it's your boyfriend or girlfriend who ignores your no? Going to the police may be an overreaction, but exactly what should you do? There is obviously no one-size-fits-all answer for this, but if someone ignores that then they need to be sat down and have a good discussion on boundaries, autonomy and someone's right to just not be interested sometimes. Telling teenagers and young adults that 'no means no' and leaving it at that just isn't enough.

Back to the orginal question. Yes, this senerio is rape. There is no consent and one party is being forced/coerced into something they do not want. I don't care that the guy isn't being penetrated. He said no. By ignoring that, the woman is taking away his right to make choices regarding what he does (and what is done to) his body. Rape is not just a violent action. It is often a violation of trust, a degredation of one's dignity and is one of the most effective ways of telling someone that their voice and decisions do not matter.
Calling it anything else is demeaning to the man and reinforces a culture where men have to 'be men', where they are not allowed to admit to an experience that women would be encouraged to report to the police.

Failing to Fall in Love

I tried SO hard. Honestly, I really did. I wanted to love Baltimore. It didn't have to be in the same way that I loved Providence, but even a little spark of interest would have been welcome. For me, this is proof that you can't force affection. Currently, I just can't find anything about the city that excites me. It's just...ugly. And scary in places - there are whole blocks of abandoned houses with broken or boarded up windows and in some cases you can see that the roof has fallen in. It is depressing to say the least. Hermit and I drove up with the child on Saturday so I could get a better feel for the city. I did not behave well. There was crying and a fairly childlike attitude for a whole lot of the day because I couldn't manufacture excitement about the city. He was trying so hard to point out the good parts and to make me feel more positive about the possibility of living there, and I was just not co-operating at all. Now I look at it objectively, there's really nothing to cry about. No, it's not somewhere I am excited about living. But there are worse places to live. Perhaps most crucially, if we move to Baltimore we can afford a really lovely house in a reasonable part of the city. Well, more in the suburbs (and suburbs are rarely exciting) but we can have somewhere that is ours, that we can make into our home. Now, that IS exciting.

I had my interview on Sunday/Monday as well. Sunday was really just for arriving and going to dinner with two of the professors. They were both very friendly :) Conversation wasn't particularly stilted (always a bonus) and I genuinely enjoyed it. On Monday I had interviews with some of the other professors and met a whole load of the current graduate students. It was one of the most academically challenging days I have ever had - and I've been in higher education for 5 years! Everyone there was obviously good at what they did and clearly thought that I was the same. Now, I've not done any academic work for several months and no language for almost a year. I am rusty to say the least and felt totally out of my depth. The quality of the program did amaze me though and I came to the conclusion that if I am offered a place at Hopkins, the only way I could turn it down is if everyone does a total U-turn and decides that Providence would be the better place for the family.
That realisation made me sad :( I loved Providence and Brown (see previous post...) and think that I would be very happy there, but it just wouldn't be as beneficial for my career. The course there is missing some crucial elements that Hopkins has and as I want a career in this field upon graduation, choosing the lower quality program would be a pretty dumb move. Still, I am upset :( I just continue to hope that I get offers and that I am academically up to whatever program I end up with!

Falling in Love (It's not what you think)

I had an interview (well, 6 interviews) at Brown University on Friday. I tried so hard to see the bad bits about Providence and the course, I tried to dislike the professors and be sceptical about the enthusiasm of the current grad students. In the end, I failed pretty miserably.

After 3 hours of walking around Providence on Thursday I concluded that it is a wonderful city. The size feels so much like England and the narrow streets with quirky shops and independent coffee shops make it feel like some areas of York or London. Even on a grey and rainy day like Friday I still loved it. Maybe because of the greyness - being a Brit, I feel unnerved by whole months without an overcast day :) But Thursday was glorious sunshine, and I loved it then too. They professors were friendly and interesting, and had an obvious interest in my work. Even the Egyptology professors wanted to know what I do and why I like it. The obvious inter-departmental links really appealed to me and I felt very encouraged when I was told by one of the Assyriology professors that if I came to Brown I should maybe consider taking classes in the Gender and Sexuality department as it would clearly benefit my research. Why yes, yes it would. And I would very much enjoy doing that. I loved the freedom of the program and am excited by the fact that I would have maybe 6 mandatory courses in 3 years. The rest I can choose for myself. This may not seem like a big thing for you American types, but coming from 6 years in the British university system it's like being taken to a sweet shop, being given a bag and being told that you can have anything you want, as long as you have enough time to sample everything properly. The current graduate students were sincere and clearly loved their department. They didn't stop being enthusiastic when we were in the bar without the professors, which for me is a big tell that they weren't just putting on a show.

I loved them two days I spent there, and if I go to Brown I am certain that I will enjoy the vast majority of my work. The problem is that going to Brown involves Minx leaving her job, the child being totally uprooted for the 3rd time in her (almost) 5 years of life and us all moving to a state we have no experience of, to a city with pretty high unemployment. Moving to Baltimore is, by all counts, a safe move. Minx can commute to work until she finds somewhere else and whilst the child wll move schools we will still be close to her extended family, whom she loves dearly. When I first got back to DC from Providence I was very upset. I felt like I was an awful person for even considering moving everyone halfway up the country, but that I would be missing out on something huge if I turned down an offer from Brown. (All of this is currently purely hypothetical - I currently have no actual offers and am desperately hoping that I get at least one). Having now had a good cry and a decent amount of time to think, my thoughts are now a lot clearer. Yes, I will be upset if, in the end, I turn down an offer from them. I still think it's an excellent school and that I would do well there. BUT. I have an interview at Johns Hopkins next week. The course was started in the 1800s and was the first of it's kind in the USA. The program is KNOWN for turning out exceptional scholars and whilst it may be slightly more constrictive it has distinct academc advantages over Brown. If I am put in the amazing position of having to choose between Brown and Hopkins, then I will have a place at a fantastic university no matter what the decision is. The one nagging feeling I have left is how at home I felt at Brown. Well, I'll just have to see how I feel when I get to Hopkins on Monday.
Yes, I'm one of those annoying people who often bases huge decisions on a 'feeling'. It's never let me down yet.

After all that...well, all I have to do is get an offer or two. That's not so hard now, is it?

(p.s. new post up on polytical.org)

Letters I'll Never Send

Dear Chu,

It's such a clear and sunny day here in DC. I was walking down the road and got a sudden sense of Japan in the spring. I have no idea why. It's not warm enough yet, it smells entirely different here and most of the people you see are caucasian. I still felt it though.

Do you remember when we were walking up the hill to one of the temples we visited? It felt almost exactly like that. I have a lot of memories from that trip that still make me smile. Remember seeing the geisha in Kyoto? And going to Ueno Zoo in Tokyo with Ayako? I had such a great time.

I still think about you, sometimes. Hard to spend four years with someone, planning a future together, and totally shut them out when things end. Or when I ended things, more accurately. I know it wasn't easy for you, and I probably didn't handle it well. Actually, ignore that. I was 18. I KNOW I didn't handle it well.

I hope that you're happy, and that life is good for you. I hope you love what you do, and love who you're with. I am happy. Life isn't turning out for me the way I hoped it would when I was 16. I'm not working as a designer. I'm not even trying to get into design - I'm an academic now. There are no children, but, I don't want them now. There's no real prospect of a husband, but I have two beautiful people with whom I'm in love. I live on the other side of the world, not in Scotland.
I am happy.

I think about you, sometimes. I hope you're happy too.

With fondest memories,
Neko

Interview #1

I'm in an airport, waiting for a plane to Providence.
I have an interview at Brown University tomorrow for a PhD place.

This is scary and totally awesome. No real blog post for yesterday as I was packing and there won't be one tomorrow because I'll be being interviewed, and really don't want to stress myself with writing a blog post too.

More on Monday!

House Hunting

The on-going discussion about where we may be moving next October has given rise to something I really dread. House hunting. The very words make me want to hide in bed with a good book or possibly a computer game. They conjure up memories of trudging through Birmingham in the rain, trying to find a student house that isn't too mouldy, too expensive, too small, or has a landlord that is insane, neglectful, or an arsehole. This is a challenge at the best of times, but when the entire student population of the city is doing the same thing, it's near impossible. I have always hated house hunting. This time, though, it looks like it might be different.

For starters, we looking for family homes rather than student pits. We have significantly more money at our disposal, even without knowing how much I'll have in terms of a living stipend. And somehow, even the slightly-gross, cheap places are amazing compared to what I've seen and lived in as a student. Looking at places last night, we made the AMAZING discovery that we can actually afford to BUY somewhere. We can afford to buy somewhere and the mortgage would be so low that Hermit could stop working and concentrate on his PhD full-time.

That has got me thinking about my perfect house. Not one we'll ever own, but one that is a lot of fun to day-dream about. There'd have to be 4 bedrooms - one for me, one for the child, and one for Hermit and Minx. Preferably mine would be an attic room...even more preferably, it'd have a secret staircase leading to H & M's room. With doors hidden by bookcases, naturally. The last bedroom would be a study/guest room so Hermit and I could work in peace, and without distrupting the entire house with our research. A large kitchen is essential with people who like to cook especially when there are 3 adults. The kitchen would be open-plan, combined with the dining room and living room. I like being able to see everyone :)
Of course, a nice, large garden would be awesome. Not just for the dog and child, but because Minx and I both really want a vegetable patch. My mum has the most awesome vegetable garden imaginable and I would LOVE to have a similar one. There's something very satisfying about growing your own food.
A basement would also be cool - for a washer/dryer and somewhere to do craft stuff. Or at least store craft stuff. Between us, the child and I could probably stock a small store...

This Thing Called 'Life'

Apparently, outside of the internet, there's this thing called 'life'. It happens to me on a pretty regular basis and makes it rather hard to actually write a regular blog. This is something of an apology and an explanation, and a promise that normal service will resume on Monday.

Last week I gave a baby mild concussion. Not on purpose! Basically, his stroller tipped and I couldn't stop it from falling. That caused a fair bit of drama. Poor guy. He's fine, his mum took him to the hospital on Friday and they said to keep an eye on him but that he should be ok. He's been a bit moody since, but no amazingly huge personality changes. I also had a phone interview with a professor from my first choice school, who was very enthusiastic about my work and about my potential as a PhD student. On Saturday I woke up with a pretty nasty stomache bug which sucks, because Saturday was the day we'd all decided to go to Baltimore to look around as we may be movng there for my school. Despite the stomache bug, I had fun! Baltimore is surprisingly like Birmingham, my home of the past 5 years, and the university campus is GORGEOUS. I spent a lot of Saturday sleeping in the car :( We also saw some friends of Minx and Hermit's, who I like very much. Hermit actually took them to a coffee shop and told them about our triad, which was wonderful. Their basic response was 'yeah, we thought so. Just waiting until you were ready to tell us'. Which, for your average response, is a very good one. They'd like to hang out more and get to know me better which is an entirely mutual feeling, especially now I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with them. I tend to be quiet in groups of people who all know each other. Sunday was spent mostly in bed, mostly feel appalling. I didn't even get to go to orchestra, I was feeling so ill :(

Now I am feeling healthy and happy again :D My stomache is back to normal and I've had a reasonable amount of sleep, though probably still not quite enough. I've also received an official invitation to visit the university I had the phone interview for, which is really great news and I'm waiting to hear from them about dates.

Normal service will resume on Friday! I'm sorry for the delay...but sometimes life happens :)

Polyfidelity

Something I always struggled with when I was living monogamously was an intense attraction to other people...usually men. It's a somewhat stereotypical problem. You're in love with someone, you want them to be your everything as you apparently are for them but there's just something wrong. You find other people attractive. Ok, so that's cool. Other people find other people attractive too! That's ok. Right, so I want to play around with other people. Cool. I can cope with that. I can be just friends. Um...there's a problem. So, this guy? He's hot, he likes me, I like him. Um. I think I love him. Is that ok?

The answer is invariably 'no'. The first time I broached it with my boyfriend of the time, I ended up breaking up with him. Then the second time he left me. At one time he was asking me why he should stay, and the only answer I could give was that I loved him...that wasn't enough, and he left. I thought he'd gone for good, but the poor man sat in his car for an hour until I realise he was there and persuaded him to come inside. We ended up getting back together, only to break-up, finally, the next time I fell in love with another man. We've established, I think, that I have some long-standing issues with monogamy.

I always felt that wanting to be physical with other people was fundemental to my being. No matter who I was with, how happy I was, I would always want to date other people or be physically affectionate with friends. I held onto this conviction for a long time...and I'm only just beginning to rethink my thoughts on the matter. Currently, I have NO desire to date anyone. Or be physical with anyone. Part of this is because it's not sensible in our current configuration. It's all too new, there are too many things we're all still trying to adapt to and, frankly, we have no time for any of us to be adding someone new to the mix. All along with this, I am starting to feel like I just don't want anyone else. I don't want to risk hurting Minx of Hermit. I don't want to take time away from them, I don't want to spend time with anyone else when I can be spending time with my loves. It's...strange. And scary. And I don't quite know how I feel about it. I told Hermit about it and he seemed pretty happy. He and Minx both understand how I felt previously about having the freedom to date other people. Neither of them were going to tell me I couldn't and it wouldn't change anything between us if I did. Right now though, I just don't want to.

I'm happy. Being given the freedom to do what I've always wanted has apparently removed my desire to do so. I love the two people I'm with and I don't want want to complicate things by seeing someone else. And...I just don't want to. I'm sorry if I'm labouring the point, but this is new and strange for me. I am content. I don't know if this will change at any point, but, for now, I'm good. So apparently I'm in a polyfidelitous relationship. And you know what? That's cool  :)

Ok, You Win. I'm Delusional.

There has been something of a debate on a Facebook polyamory group following the posting of my piece for Polytical. I am surprisingly surprised by this. I was reminded by Hermit that polyamory is not known for being theologically friendly. This makes me sad :( Why is it thus?

More to the point, why does yet another atheist decide to tell me all the ways in which I am doing my religion wrong? Seriously, I get enough of that from people who actually believe in the same god as me. I'm not knocking his beliefs. I don't know the guy, I haven't had his life, I don't understand his world view. I have no right to tell him he's wrong. On the same coin though, he has no right to tell me I'm wrong. I wasn't trying to convert anyone with my post, I wasn't even saying that this is the right way of doing either Christianity or polyamory. I was saying that it is my way. I feel totally unable to defend myself. I don't want to out myself by claming authorship on the Facebook group, and the two people attacking my views are probably more familiar with the Bible than I am. For all my Christianity...the Bible and I have a tough relationship. I have no sound theological argument upon which to base my defence other than I love my God, and my God loves me. Luckily, this is why I am with a theological scholar. Hermit has posted a better defence than I could ever come up with...

Seriously though, why are so many people who are, by definition, open-minded enough to cope with, seek-out and thrive upon multiple relationships unable to cope with other people's declarations of faith? It feels like a red rag to a bull. State you have a religion other than paganism on a poly forum or group and someone will jump on you from a great height. On the other hand, there have been more people defending my views or even thanking them for me than telling me I'm delusional, which is pretty cool :D Maybe I'm over-exaggerating the issue. It just feels that way sometimes.

Moving for your Poly Family

First off, I have a post up on Polytical! It's discussing in more depth why my polyamorous lifestyle is not at odds with my Christianity, and you can click here to check it out. I like Polytical. I like what it does, I like the variety of authors and I find it an easy to navigate site. If they'll have me, I'd like to do some more work for them. I will keep you posted :)

One of the reasons I didn't have a post up yesterday is because I got some wonderful, and somewhat unexpected news. Brown University would like to interview me!  I applied there for a PhD place at the beginning of the year. I wasn't really expecting to hear from them, but I have! They're interested! Can you tell I'm excited?! I'm going up later in the month to meet the faculty, have my interview and see some of the city. Aside from a lot of congratulations and excitement, this has prompted a lot of conversation between myself, Hermit, and Minx. And an argument. And more conversation. The argument is still quietly happening and it's actually more about my reluctance to talk when I'm tired than anything else. The conversation is about a huuuge question. Do we move?

Brown is in Providence, RI. We are currently in Washington, DC. Hermit and Minx both have jobs there that they would be happy keeping past August. The little one is at school here. We have a church, we know the area and we're comfortable if not happy here. If I get offered a place at either Maryland or Hopkins, the other two schools I've applied to, should we not just write Brown off and stay close to where we are? I had been assuming (because I'm an idiot) that both Minx and Hermit would much prefer to stay in the DC area. Apparently, this is not the case. Staying in DC has it's advantages. Then again, so does moving. It would be further away from Minx's family which is increasingly a positive, the cost of living is low, Providence gets snow and it's closer to a best friend. There is also at least one kindergarden that has a Spanish immersion programme, which is important for the child. As far as I'm concerned, Brown is an excellent school and the programme I'm applying to looks fantastic. I am very excited about going up there and seeing if it's as great as it feels.

Is it worth moving for though? I've half been hoping that they rejected me outright because then it wouldn't hurt if I had to go elsewhere. Now...now I'm excited. Thrilled. Amazed that an Ivy League wants to interview me. Very excited about the possibility of moving. And feeling so loved that my poly family will incorporate my dreams into their plans so that we can stay together. A year ago, life was bittersweet. I'd found a man I loved more than I thought I could...but he was leaving my country in April and I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. Now we are in the same city, I'm in a wonderful relationship with his wife and we are all contemplating where we should move to for my schooling. Life's a funny thing.

I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar...

Well, not really. I was just thinking of an appropriate title for today's post and this song popped into my head. It has a slightly disturbing video, but made me giggle.

Anyway, the reason for this musing is that on Friday, we all went to a gay bar. Minx and I are obviously down with the ladies. We like the boobs. Hermit has, in the past few weeks, come to the realisation that he's pretty cool with men too. Well, not 'cool' as such. More 'finds some disturbingly attractive for a man who identifies as straight'. Here's his take on it, for those who are interested. Once he'd got over the initial OMGWTF, and the secondary SRSLYOMGWTF, one of us (can't remember who) suggested going to a bar so he could look at pretty men and potentially do some flirting. And so Minx and I could be the raging lesbians we secretly are. Seriously though, she and I had never really gone out as a couple, so we had a really fun time. Even though it was open to both genders, the vast majority of the crowd were men. Which was slightly odd and a little intimidating, but hey! I was there with my girlfriend and boyfriend, so it was all good :D Plus the doorman told me I have a nice smile as we walked in, which gave me a bit of a boost. Minx and I spent most of the evening cuddling and flirting, and watching people. One of the guys on the table behind us kept staring which was kind of odd. Being in a gay bar, you wouldn't have thought girl-on-girl would have drawn that much of attention.

Hermit, unfortunately, did not find anyone to flirt with :( It appeared to be more of a place you go to with people, rather than a place you go to to meet people. Which was sad. But he said there were only a couple of guys he found attractive there anyway, and they were with a group so ho hum. He is concerned that, being 31, he'd missed the boat for fnding a man. I don't think that this is the case but having gone to a gay bar and had no-one pay him any attention, he's still a bit concerned. He's going to keep looking, and we're going to keep being supportive! It's not like any of us even have time for another partner, but I know he'd like someone to go on a couple of dates with at least. So if anyone knows any cute bi/gay, poly, Christian guys in the DC area, give us a shout...

Assumptions Make the World Go Round

I was reading a forum discussion last week about polyamory and spiritual/religious practices. I was mainly reading it for something to do – the discussion was a few years old and I didn't want to resurrect it, but one post caught my eye. This person stated that, by definition, a practising Christian

would be against polyamory as it is a sin against God and man.

All practising Christians are against polyamory.

Hi, I'm Isobel. I'm a polyamorous, practising Christian.

I'm also a woman. As a woman, I enjoy knitting, the company of small children, baking, wearing make-up, reading the gossip columns in glossy magazines and watching reality tv. (Two of those are correct)

I'm exaggerating the point. The original comment on the forum thread wasn't inflammatory, or insulting and I have taken it entirely out of context.

It does still raise a valid point for me. People tend to assume that Christians will not be open to or accepting of polyamory. I do it to! I met a young woman today who seemed nice, and we were chatting. I referred to my boyfriend and girlfriend as 'friends'. I often do this with strangers as we're closeted, but I was even more cautious about this woman as we had previously been talking about what churches we attend. I, a polyamorous Christian, was assuming that another Christian would have a problem with my lifestyle.

Why did I do that?

My best answer is because I've had...issues in the past with other Christians making incorrect, hurtful assumptions about me because I happen to form multiple romantic attachments. Yet, I do know better. We're not all like that. Both of my partners are Christian. My ex-girlfriend is Christian. I have Christian friends who have no problem with my lifestyle.

I guess the trick here is just to keep standing up and declaring my faith, my loves, and the compatibility of both. And maybe being a little less judgemental myself.

Moderate Atheists?

Moderate Atheists.
I know some exist. I am personally acquainted with a few of them :) The internet, however, appears to be full of the other, extremist variety.

Let me make it clear now. I have no issue or problem with atheism. If you don't believe in God or any of Her (many) permutations, that's cool. I will even engage with you in reasonable discussion (note: discussion not screaming argument) on the merits of our separate world views.
I wish also to acknowledge that other religious types don't always cover themselves in glory. Telling atheists that they're going to go to hell, or screaming about damnation or the sanctity of marriage or whatever is also not a reasonable discussion. Indeed, when I read things like this I wonder exactly where Jesus and God are in these people's lives. That scares me far more than hardline atheism. 


That being said, the internet atheists are often unwilling to discuss anything. It's hard to have a reasonable discussion with someone who's main argument is that you believe in 'fairy stories' or declare that they despise all religion. Really? That's your idea of an adult discussion? Finding the other person's views so utterly threatening that you do the cyber equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and screaming at the top of your lungs? This discussion is not one where we are ever going to persuade each other of the truth of our personal beliefs. It just isn't. I accept that. I'd like for you, hypothetical atheist, to do the same so we can learn more about each other rather than engage in a mud-slinging contest.


For the record, though, you will always win. No, I cannot produce any empirical evidence as to the existence of God. That's kind of the opposite of why I believe what I do. Neither will I belittle your views and tell you that you're just wrong, too scared to believe in what you cannot see, touch or prove through science. I won't argue with you about this. I don't see the point.
So, I guess, you win. Congratulations. I'll just go about my daily business, having faith in something greater than myself and praying to my imaginary friend.
She thinks you're awesome, by the way.

My Failure to Find a Coat

It's not all talking and sex, you know.

Half the time, poly life is just...well, life. This weekend, whilst being filled with more Emotional Conversations(tm) and me being ill also included a shopping trip, watching more youtube clips than should legally be permitted in one evening and childcare.

The shopping trip was partially successful. I obtained a pair of jeans that do not make me look like a man! As someone with a fairly slim upper body and some pretty substantial hips, I have problems finding jeans that fit. If they fit my hips, they're often baggy around my waist. If they fit my waist, I usually struggle to get them past my thighs. So I tend to resort to what is commonly known as 'the boyfriend fit' style of jeans. They are comfortable, usually fit me, but have the downside of making me look slightly masculine. This is not something I'm averse to - I enjoy androgyny, but not every single day. At long last, I have found a pair that make it clear I do have hips! AND a waist! And legs :D
Alas, the primary purpose of the shopping trip was so I could find a winter coat that Hermit is not ashamed to be seen with me while wearing. That's a slight exaggeration. Though my love does not always appreciate my somewhat 'unique' dress sense, I don't think I've ever made him ashamed to be seen with me. Despite this, my current winter coat is an ex-German Navy officer's coat, kindly donated by my father (no, he's not the ex-German Naval officer, he's a man who likes military surplus stores). Whilst warm and perfect for the DC winter, it makes me look like a bag lady. Or a man. I wanted something smart that I could wear when we go out, or go to church. No luck :( Unlike the UK where one could conceivably wear a winter coat all year round and only get slightly too warm in August, DC has much more defined seasons which apparently affects the items of clothing on sale. There were about 10 coats that looked warm enough, all of which were either too big, too small, or just not my style. I am tempted to give up on the coat shopping as it will be spring soon, and just keep with the Naval coat for the time being.
Then I found this...which is beautiful, but pricey. And may also be too small for me but I have no tape-measure so can't tell.

Sadly, you're not getting anything more interesting tonight. I am still ill :( I spent most of Sunday asleep and can't remember a word of the conversation Hermit and I had on Sunday morning before he, Minx and the child went to church and I went back to bed.

Oh, I did make delicious brownie and delicious soup today :D In terms of culinary experiences, today has been a good one!

So You're a Christian? That's...Interesting.

I get the feeling (correct me if I'm wrong) that polyamorous Christians are something of a rarity. I'm not talking about the Mormon God-says-I-should-have-5-wives variety, of which there are a few. That is something else entirely and something that I'm not sure I agree with. I mean those who have relationships in which all partners have an equal say. This gets sticky when you come to secondary and tertiary relationships, but my point is that they are not relationships centered around the male controlling or dominating the relationship dynamic. I would argue that even M/S* relationships are 'equal' - you have to actively give your autonomy over to another person in order to be controlled so completely. And all things being equal, there are negotiated boundaries, rules, safewords* etc which make this an equal power exchange rather than a forced power removal. But I think that's a post for another time.

My point (lost in there somewhere) is that there are few Christians who practice polyamory, as I define it. The majority of the community seems to be a mix of atheist, Pagan, Buddhist and those with varying spiritual beliefs. Is Christianity so incompatible with this lifestyle/sexuality? Obviously, as a Christian, I don't believe so. But I do think that there is such an emphasis (implicit or otherwise) on conforming to the norm which is perpetuated through churches and religious upbringings that living an alternative life seems challenging and alien, if not downright impossible. Alternative people can find themselves cast out of their church, disowned by their families and stigmatised for simply living and loving differently. 

I believe there is a fundamental incompatibility between this behaviour and the teachings of the New Testament (Old is a bit different). I've always understood the main goal of Christians is to be more like Christ. I don't think that's an overly-controversial statement and I think a fair few Christians would agree with me on that, even if they have issue with my choices. I'm also fairly sure that Christ was fairly big on love and acceptance, even for those outcasts in society. Say, like whores and lepers? So, if Christ were physically present here and now, do you really think He'd turn away from people who were loving (physically, romantically, whatever) more than one person, where all parties were fully aware and consenting? I don't think so.

If He would, then I'm in the wrong religion.

Terminology:
M/S - Master/Slave. A form of BDSM relationship in which one person gives over all autonomy to the other.
Safewords - Employed within the BDSM community between people who play together, whether casually or as part of a committed relationship. Used by the submissive to signal discomfort, distress, and a desire to stop. When someone safewords, you stop what you're doing immediately. Doing otherwise gives you a very bad reputation and may lead to being barred from certain clubs.