Breaking the News

The child is hinting.
'I wish you could stay with us forever!'
'When you move to Baltimore, I want you to live next door to us so I can see you every day'
'We should get a house wth 4 bedrooms. One for Daddy's desk, one for Mummy and Daddy, one for me and one for you!'

I cannot wait to see her face when we finally tell her that we're all living together. Breaking the news to Minx's parents will be another matter entirely. And she, my poor darling, has the joy of doing it this weekend. They've been asking all kinds of questions about why this house, why so big, why are they going to Baltimore anyway etcetc. They won't be told everything (that would seriously cause more trouble than it's worth) but just the fact that there will be a close female friend living with Minx and Hermit will probably be deeply upsetting. Mother is already concerned about how close I am to Hermit...they have no idea exactly how much time we all spend together and don't really understand how I can be considered 'family' when I am, traditionally, not. Poor Minx :( It's not going to be a fun conversation.

Making a Home

We spent the whole of Sunday in Baltimore, looking at houses, talking about houses, thinking about houses and eating awesome diner food. We saw a total of 7 houses within 2 hours and there were some significant surprises. The very first house we saw was creepy. Dark wooden panelling on the walls and the owner actually followed us from room to room, giving a running commentary. And there were about 6 different types of carpeting, just laid on the floor. Not even fitted properly, or attached in any way. Just laying there. The house we were all waiting to fall in love with just didn't do it. It was beautiful on the outside, beautiful on the inside, but impractical, expensive and  would have cost several thousand dollars to make is suitable. It was built somewhere in the 40s (I think?) and still had all of the original electrics and plumbing. Just bringing that up to date and making it safe would have cost a couple of grand, then it would need redecorating (with potential lead paint, fun times) and the basement needed finishing too. We were sad, because in so many ways it was great  :( One house was full almost floor to ceiling of stuff. Clothes, shoes, beads and boxes and boxes of stuff. You could hardly move in 2 of the rooms, the others were challenging and WOW it needed a good clean. Surprisingly, it was pretty high on the list. The rooms were a good size and it was in a lovely neighbourhood, with about a 10 minute walk to the child's school. It would have taken a bit of work but would have been ok. But then we all stopped and thought exactly how much work we WANTED to put into a house before we even moved in, and realised that it wasn't as much as that place needed. The row houses we saw were actually pretty cool, just very deficient in the garden size. After a lot of talking over a delicious lunch, we narrowed it down to 2 options. A row house that Hermit fell in love with as soon as he walked into, and a somewhat confusing (though lovely) detached cape cod house. Both were very reasonable prospects, but what really tipped the balance was the price. The cape cod was 5k more than our max price and the row house was almost half of that. Bit of a no-brainer, really. Until Hermit had a chat with the cashier at the diner, who told him that the neighbourhood the row house was in is not somewhere we'd want to live. There was a reason why they were giving it away :( In contrast, the cape cod is in a lovely area with low crime rates and where we all feel comfortable. So, we'll be putting in an offer for it!

We all think that we can make it into the perfect home for us. There's room for us all, a lovely kitchen, room for a study, great finished basement and I get to have the attic room :D Oh, and the garden is HUGE. More than big enough for a good vegetable garden, space for the dog and space for the child to be able to play. We're thinking of (if we manage to buy it) staying there for a considerable amount of time, as long as I'm able to get a job and a visa after school. I feel very good about staying there for a while, and making it a home for our somewhat unusual family. Hermit and Minx have both been moving for so long that I think they're both looking forward to being able to settle somewhere. Even if we have to commute a long way for work, having a calm retreat of a home to come back to will (I think) make it all worthwhile.

Actually, I Don't Want Children

Children? Of my own? No thanks.
As a woman (a young, potentially-fertile one, too) it's almost taboo to say that. It's greeted with cries of 'oh, why not?' and 'but you'd make such a wonderful mother!'. These remarks are usually made by other women...usually mothers. If a man says they don't want children, they may have similar responses but, on the whole, it's not as expected of men. Even if people accept that I don't want kids now they tell me that I should keep my mind open, or that I may change my mind one day. Yes, I might. Yes, my mind is open to it. However, your mind should be open to the possibility that some women just don't want children.
Why don't I? Because I think I'd do an awful job of it. I'm impatient, don't cope well with sleep deprivation and, most of all, I NEED MY SPACE. I don't want small, screaming, grubby humans in my face all day. I don't want to be woken from my sleep by an angrily screaming child. I just don't want to go through the stress and aggravation of raising a child of my own. I adore Minx and Hermit's child. I genuinely look forward to time spent with her, and am excited about seeing her grow up. You know what one of the best parts is? I'm not her parent. Occasionally, yes, I am In Charge. I choose to chip in and get her ready for bed, or give her a bath, or whatever. But I am not the sole adult responsible for her. If I don't feel like being talked at non-stop I can go and hide! It's much harder to do what it's your child. Working with the children I au-pair for has just cemented my belief that I should not procreate. Sometimes, work is AWESOME. I get giggling children and I enjoy spending time with them. Normally? Not so much. They scream, the baby hits me, the toddler throws tantrums, they're ill all the time and they don't fucking give me any space! Yes, yes, it's different when they're yours and no toddler of mine would throw a tantrum when they're not allowed TV because I believe in consistant discipline, firm boundaries and respecting one's parents. The fundamental problems would still be endemic to any child-raising experince though. Lack of personal space, lack of sleep (at least for a few years) and lack of freedom. There are some things you just can't do when you have children. Mind you, a lot of these (staying out to 3am drinking, for example), are not things I want to do anyway.

The problem still remains that I can rarely voice my desire to remain childless in a room with other women without someone looking at me askance, or someone telling me in a condescending tone that I'm still young, there's still time, and that clock will start ticking! I'm 25. I am not a child. I like my life, I have things planned for the next 5 years. Children do not fit into that. Once I'm done with school, I'll be 30. Yes, still time to have kids then but there is the strong possibility that I just won't want any. Why oh why can't people just leave me be with this one?!

Come back in 6 years and we'll see how I feel.

To Reply or Not?

This is a slightly odd post to write, as the person concerned reads my blog and so what would ideally be an anonymous monologue will be instead a one-sided conversation. Strange, but there you go. Some back-story may be required, and will be provided as I deem necessary. Though it's not wholly my story to tell, so there may be some gaps. Telling the whole interwebs my life is one thing, telling someone else's is completely different. Suffice to say that I had a girlfriend, whom I shall call Giraffe, and around the time Hermit was getting ready to leave my country and go back to his, when I severely doubted I would ever see him again, things became less-than-good between Giraffe and I, for a variety of reasons. Things happened, there was confusion and I wound up feeling like I'd been abandoned by here at a time when I needed her the most. It was NOT and intentional abandoning and if I'd have opened my mouth (see a theme running through this blog?) and said how lost and alone I felt, I am very sure that she would have been more present for me.

We broke up, agreeing to stay friends. We drifted while I was in the US over the summer, and when I got back I wrote a long message to her saying how I felt about what happened. I don't imagine it was pleasant to read. She apologised (one of the fullest apologies I've ever received) and again, we decided to stay in touch. I've kind of...failed badly on that front. I'm appalling at keeping in touch with people anyway and it takes some serious perseverance to keep up a long-distance friendship with me. It's a major flaw and one that I work at...though less than I should. If I'm entirely honest with myself, I could have done a better job at contacting her. I'm bad, yes, but even I manage to message important people once every few months. I wasn't sure that I wanted to be in contact. She hurt me a lot, and I didn't know if I wanted to put in the insane amount of effort it takes me to maintain a friendship into someone that had, in my eyes, betrayed me. We saw each other briefly when I went home before Christmas, and I felt very awkward. Then, out of the blue, I got a birthday card and a letter from her (tip: I am more likely to respond to hand-written correspondence). The letter was, basically, things she feels that she had to say to me if we were to never speak again. It was beautiful, and thankfully I was at Hermit and Minx's apartment because I started crying like a child.

She wrote that she wasn't expecting a reply, but that if I felt like I wanted to be in touch, she would welcome any contact from me. That kind of stumped me. She hasn't had a reply, mainly because I still (roughly 3 weeks on) don't know if I want to. I miss sitting and talking for hours in a coffee shop with her, I miss getting drunk on gin together and giggling under tables, I miss the conversations we used to have. Hermit and Minx have both asked me if I miss those things, or if I miss her. I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though it's both and sometimes I feel as though I just miss the fun we used to have. It's very confusing, and will probably take me a while to get to grips with.

Giraffe...I don't know. You're not forgotten and never will be, but I just don't know.

Strangers in my House

The grandfather and aunt of the children I look after are visiting for a week. It's...weird. Grandfather is sleeping in the room I have to walk through to get to my bedroom and this means I feel compelled to be back by 10pm...when my normal arrival time if I've been with Minx and Hermit is closer to 11pm. Mainly, I'm having issues with the fact that there are strangers in the house I have to live in. It's weird enough living with my employers, but having strangers for a week is very unsettling. I'm kind of used to having the place to myself during the day. Mom works from home, but a lot of the time she's in her room and the baby and I are entertaining ourselves. I find it very off-putting to be trying to do my job around people who want to do it for free. I had a slight issue this morning. I started at 9am, as normal, but the grandfather and aunt were playing with the boys. Does this mean I didn't start work until 9.30, when the baby was handed over to me? Or at 9, when I was ready to work and found it necessary to busy myself by tidying up and generally hanging round.
Urg. I have no idea.

Never mind, they'll be gone soon...

Absent Thoughts

I've been away for a little bit, and you have my apologies for not giving you any warning. It was my little sister's 21st birthday party on Saturday and I flew home to England as a surprise for her :) Our whole family knew and somehow we managed to keep it from her for months. There were points at which we were sure she'd guessed, most notable my best friend ringing to RSVP to the invitation my Mum sent her, but she didn't! She had no idea! It was wonderful :D Mum came and picked my up from Heathrow at 7.30am and we drove back home. Sister was eating breakfast when we arrived and the look on her face when I walked in was alone worth the stress. We had a huge hug and she started crying. It was so good to see her :) I spent the time I was there with my family, just enjoying having them around. I miss them a lot living abroad and it's by far the hardest part of an international life. I'll be going back again in August, but after that I really don't know how long it will be until I'm next home. Luckily for me, my Mum has started a savings account to save for plane tickets so she can come and visit me next year.

The party itself was great fun and I saw my bestest friend, as well as a lot of other people I haven't seen in several months. I missed my DC family an awful lot though :( I really wish they could have come too, but it's not exactly practical (or cheap) to fly four people to the UK for less than a week. We spoke a lot though and managed to skype on the Child's birthday, which unfortunately coincided with my sister's party. That totally sucked. I really wanted to be there, Minx and Hermit wanted me there...Child did too, but I think Minx and Hermit were more upset by my absence than she was. I will definitely be there next year though! It was slightly strange. I remember Hermit tellng me about skyping for the her birthday last year, as he was in the UK and they were in DC. Kind of strange me being the one on skype :)