God and I

God and I have a somewhat challenging relationship upon occasion. Challenging from my end at least, and I'm pretty sure I've made Her at least give a small sigh of frustration. Or maybe not. It's hard to tell. I'm not the greatest at keeping in touch, and this (unfortunately) extends to God as well. I've always been crap at regular prayer and, subsequently, am not particularly good at it. I catch myself wondering how stupid I sound, or what I'm going to make for dinner, or whether I have time to do some gaming before bed. Not particularly helpful for one's spiritual health.

It's become worse recently. Partly because I haven't been to church regularly for a while, partly (I think) due to stress and partly because I feel like I have so much to DO. I always start the day with the best of intentions. I'll be productive and get stuff done and of course I'll remember to pray. Of course! Then the day actually happens. Some stuff gets done, never as much as I intend, and invariably prayer falls by the wayside. I'm not entirely sure how to address this. One way would be to learn how to pray in a way that suits me, but again this requires time and actually remembering to do it. The more I forget or put it off, the harder it becomes. In fact, I should probably be giving it a go right now instead of blogging about it. Kind of special, huh?

In fact, what I WILL do now (or at least until I start work, which should have been 30 minutes ago but everyone's out...) is make a list of what needs to be accomplished. Prayer will be at the top. I feel better with a list to guide me and it actually helps a lot in focusing my day. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write my list. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for effective prayer, let me know! All help is greatly appreciated...

To Reply or Not?

This is a slightly odd post to write, as the person concerned reads my blog and so what would ideally be an anonymous monologue will be instead a one-sided conversation. Strange, but there you go. Some back-story may be required, and will be provided as I deem necessary. Though it's not wholly my story to tell, so there may be some gaps. Telling the whole interwebs my life is one thing, telling someone else's is completely different. Suffice to say that I had a girlfriend, whom I shall call Giraffe, and around the time Hermit was getting ready to leave my country and go back to his, when I severely doubted I would ever see him again, things became less-than-good between Giraffe and I, for a variety of reasons. Things happened, there was confusion and I wound up feeling like I'd been abandoned by here at a time when I needed her the most. It was NOT and intentional abandoning and if I'd have opened my mouth (see a theme running through this blog?) and said how lost and alone I felt, I am very sure that she would have been more present for me.

We broke up, agreeing to stay friends. We drifted while I was in the US over the summer, and when I got back I wrote a long message to her saying how I felt about what happened. I don't imagine it was pleasant to read. She apologised (one of the fullest apologies I've ever received) and again, we decided to stay in touch. I've kind of...failed badly on that front. I'm appalling at keeping in touch with people anyway and it takes some serious perseverance to keep up a long-distance friendship with me. It's a major flaw and one that I work at...though less than I should. If I'm entirely honest with myself, I could have done a better job at contacting her. I'm bad, yes, but even I manage to message important people once every few months. I wasn't sure that I wanted to be in contact. She hurt me a lot, and I didn't know if I wanted to put in the insane amount of effort it takes me to maintain a friendship into someone that had, in my eyes, betrayed me. We saw each other briefly when I went home before Christmas, and I felt very awkward. Then, out of the blue, I got a birthday card and a letter from her (tip: I am more likely to respond to hand-written correspondence). The letter was, basically, things she feels that she had to say to me if we were to never speak again. It was beautiful, and thankfully I was at Hermit and Minx's apartment because I started crying like a child.

She wrote that she wasn't expecting a reply, but that if I felt like I wanted to be in touch, she would welcome any contact from me. That kind of stumped me. She hasn't had a reply, mainly because I still (roughly 3 weeks on) don't know if I want to. I miss sitting and talking for hours in a coffee shop with her, I miss getting drunk on gin together and giggling under tables, I miss the conversations we used to have. Hermit and Minx have both asked me if I miss those things, or if I miss her. I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though it's both and sometimes I feel as though I just miss the fun we used to have. It's very confusing, and will probably take me a while to get to grips with.

Giraffe...I don't know. You're not forgotten and never will be, but I just don't know.

Moving for your Poly Family

First off, I have a post up on Polytical! It's discussing in more depth why my polyamorous lifestyle is not at odds with my Christianity, and you can click here to check it out. I like Polytical. I like what it does, I like the variety of authors and I find it an easy to navigate site. If they'll have me, I'd like to do some more work for them. I will keep you posted :)

One of the reasons I didn't have a post up yesterday is because I got some wonderful, and somewhat unexpected news. Brown University would like to interview me!  I applied there for a PhD place at the beginning of the year. I wasn't really expecting to hear from them, but I have! They're interested! Can you tell I'm excited?! I'm going up later in the month to meet the faculty, have my interview and see some of the city. Aside from a lot of congratulations and excitement, this has prompted a lot of conversation between myself, Hermit, and Minx. And an argument. And more conversation. The argument is still quietly happening and it's actually more about my reluctance to talk when I'm tired than anything else. The conversation is about a huuuge question. Do we move?

Brown is in Providence, RI. We are currently in Washington, DC. Hermit and Minx both have jobs there that they would be happy keeping past August. The little one is at school here. We have a church, we know the area and we're comfortable if not happy here. If I get offered a place at either Maryland or Hopkins, the other two schools I've applied to, should we not just write Brown off and stay close to where we are? I had been assuming (because I'm an idiot) that both Minx and Hermit would much prefer to stay in the DC area. Apparently, this is not the case. Staying in DC has it's advantages. Then again, so does moving. It would be further away from Minx's family which is increasingly a positive, the cost of living is low, Providence gets snow and it's closer to a best friend. There is also at least one kindergarden that has a Spanish immersion programme, which is important for the child. As far as I'm concerned, Brown is an excellent school and the programme I'm applying to looks fantastic. I am very excited about going up there and seeing if it's as great as it feels.

Is it worth moving for though? I've half been hoping that they rejected me outright because then it wouldn't hurt if I had to go elsewhere. Now...now I'm excited. Thrilled. Amazed that an Ivy League wants to interview me. Very excited about the possibility of moving. And feeling so loved that my poly family will incorporate my dreams into their plans so that we can stay together. A year ago, life was bittersweet. I'd found a man I loved more than I thought I could...but he was leaving my country in April and I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. Now we are in the same city, I'm in a wonderful relationship with his wife and we are all contemplating where we should move to for my schooling. Life's a funny thing.

Emotional Conversations(tm)

It's all excitement here, folks!
Yes, the weekend was host to yet more Emotional Conversations(tm). They were largely focused around how we are all finding the recent changes very hard to adjust to. Hermit and Minx had added me into their life, moved house, started new jobs, had family rows and the child has started school, all since August. I've finished college, moved out of home, moved to a new country, started a new job and been integrated into a new family, also all since August.

That's a lot of change, and a lot of stress. To add to all of that, I'm not overly happy about being closeted (understand it's necessary, will stay so for as long as we need to, don't have to like it) and I am not designed to be with people all day, every day. I get very over-stimulated and fairly exhausted. So basically, I'm in the wrong job. Yay stress.

I, for one, do not deal well with stress. Normally I deal with it by sleeping a whole lot. What with my job, and having an hour commute there and back to see Hermit and Minx twice a week, as well as weekends, I just don't have time to sleep as much as my current stress levels require. Hermit has been suggesting for a while now that I find another way to deal with my stress. It's a valid suggestion - I'm MEAN when I'm stressed out. And, poor guy, he's the one it gets taken out on. I'm still very sensitive to hurting Minx and don't want to lose her, so I tend to keep a lid on things with her. For obvious reasons I can't snap at my bosses. When I speak to my family (rarely) I want to have an enjoyable conversation. I feel I can throw pretty much anything at Hermit and he won't budge. Which is true, he won't leave me. But that's not a valid reason for being such a bitch and he deserves far better treatment than he's been getting.

As I said, he's been bringing it up (gently) for a while and just gets snapped at for his trouble. On Sunday, after one-too-many mean responses from myself, he got a bit angry. That's when I know I've really crossed the line :/ This was literally as we were walking out of the door for church in the evening, so it's not like we could sit down and have the Emotional Conversation(tm) that was obviously required. We all sat in the car in mildly uncomfortable silence and when we got to church I stayed in the car with Hermit to try and sort it out. There was an apology (from me), a fair amount of tears (also from me), some hardcore listening (from him) and some useful suggestions (also from him). The conclusion was reached that I do (surprise surprise) need to find a way to relax and let go of my stress. We're not sure how, but it's something to work on. The conclusion was also reached that I need to start accepting my own limitations. That's a whole other post entirely, suffice to say that they are many and varied, and often make life in modern society a challenge.

I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to relax, but I'm trying. I've started to listen to music everytime I walk anywhere (a new and brilliant idea, I know). Not just have it on in the background, but really listen to it. It gives me something to focus on and forces my brain to stop working in overdrive, which it does for the majority of the time I'm awake. I'm finding it useful, thus far. The big question is, can I translate this into needing less sleep?

Anyway, we made up. I'm going to try to stop being such a bitch and somehow he's going to continue to trust that I will listen to him when he says something's wrong, and not jump down his throat.

Learning How To Talk

It's been said before, by people more experienced and more eloquent than I. As a person in a poly relationship, you will get sick to death of communicating.
Talking, listening, talking some more, yelling, writing, whispering. Trying so hard to put the half-formed thoughts and emotions that slosh around in your head into coherent words and sentences. Making sure you are understood, failing, railing against small misunderstandings.
I've been back in DC for five days. Three of those have been spent either arguing, or having a deeply emotional conversation. Often they've been both at the same time. Not bad arguments, and not bad conversations. Everything that was said needed to be said, and Minx, Hermit and I all know where we stand. Which is important in any relationship.

It's not that poly relationships are inherently more complex, more intense, more anything. It's that when there are more people, there are more points of view to consider. More emotions to be made known. More potential for miscommunication because maybe two of the group don't talk as much as they should, and the rest of the group assumes everyone knows what's going on. As an established couple of over a decade, Minx and Hermit know how to communicate together. I'm still learning how to communicate with each of them, and we're all working on group communication. All too often I assume Hermit can read my mind, or just plain forget to open my mouth and express myself to either of them.

Sometimes one of us swears blind we told the other two about something that was important. Last night the issue was where I was sleeping. To get everyone up to speed, I'm someone who needs a lot of sleep. I get grumpy, bitchy, and generally unpleasant when I haven't slept enough. I dislike being any of those things. I have trouble sleeping with two other people in a queen-sized bed, so I've taken to sleeping on the couch (actually a twin bed with lots of cushions). This also saves questions from the child who is too young to understand, and too young to reliably not tell the whole of church exactly where I sleep when I stay over. Hermit is sure that he's told me, numerous times, that it is important to him for both Minx and I to sleep in bed with him when I'm around. He needs to fall asleep next to the people he loves. It s entirely possible that he has said this before. Likely, even. Prior to last night's conversation, I have no recollection of this at all. Not a clue it was so important. So at almost midnight last night, after a different intense conversation, we had another conversation about why he wanted me to stay in the bed despite my poor quality of sleep. I'd been pushing against this a lot because (as I've said), I need sleep. Now I know how he feels about this, it's no longer a problem! I'll sleep there until I wake up, then relocate to the couch.

But wow, we actually had to have a whole conversation about that.