Friday, October 12, 2012


I have neglected this blog. I know. I'm sorry :(
This is going to be a neglectful update also, but I think  probably better than nothing?

It's been a very challenging few months since I got back to the States and started grad school. To put it bluntly, I have no time for anything except work any more. I struggle to find time to spend with my wonderful family who are, against all logical explanation or reason, still here. Everything non-essential has been brutally cut including, I'm afraid to say, regular blog posts. I won't even say I'll try to be better because I suspect that would be false hope.

Things are hard. I feel almost daily like I want to give up. Things start to make sense again and I see a glimmer of hope, then I'm either crushed by the sheer volume of work I have to do, or something happens and I feel like an intellectual ant again. I'm not entirely sure what to do. I'm awful to live with (and that's not just self-deprecation). Minx and Hermit hardly see me because I'm always working, and, when they DO see me I'm either stressed because I feel like I should be working, or I'm grumpy and mean because I'm so tired and stressed. And scared. I'm scared a lot these days.

I'm just so tired. All the time. I want to go to bed and not wake up some days, because when I wake up I feel crushed and suffocated once again by school and by my own stupid expectations.


This is very angsty. I'm sorry. When I'm not angsting I adore living with my loves and think we're carving out a good life here. I even have friends! Unfortunately, I also have these things called 'midterms'. In a week. So I should go and learn Hebrew vocabulary. Yay.

1 comment:

  1. *hug*
    That's really really hard. The PhD thing can really do a number on the rest of your life, I often wonder if I hadn't let it get on top of me whether I'd have did whatever I did that drove Siz to become abusive. I felt that it was really important to be able to set a boundry and say "This time, between X and Y, is my time and I shall never work in it." because I just needed some time in which I didn't feel bad about not working. I think it lead to more work in the long run 'cause I felt better when I was working, but the system that worked out for me might not work for you - we're pretty different ;) I hope that you find something that helps you, a PhD is a long road.