Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar...

Well, not really. I was just thinking of an appropriate title for today's post and this song popped into my head. It has a slightly disturbing video, but made me giggle.

Anyway, the reason for this musing is that on Friday, we all went to a gay bar. Minx and I are obviously down with the ladies. We like the boobs. Hermit has, in the past few weeks, come to the realisation that he's pretty cool with men too. Well, not 'cool' as such. More 'finds some disturbingly attractive for a man who identifies as straight'. Here's his take on it, for those who are interested. Once he'd got over the initial OMGWTF, and the secondary SRSLYOMGWTF, one of us (can't remember who) suggested going to a bar so he could look at pretty men and potentially do some flirting. And so Minx and I could be the raging lesbians we secretly are. Seriously though, she and I had never really gone out as a couple, so we had a really fun time. Even though it was open to both genders, the vast majority of the crowd were men. Which was slightly odd and a little intimidating, but hey! I was there with my girlfriend and boyfriend, so it was all good :D Plus the doorman told me I have a nice smile as we walked in, which gave me a bit of a boost. Minx and I spent most of the evening cuddling and flirting, and watching people. One of the guys on the table behind us kept staring which was kind of odd. Being in a gay bar, you wouldn't have thought girl-on-girl would have drawn that much of attention.

Hermit, unfortunately, did not find anyone to flirt with :( It appeared to be more of a place you go to with people, rather than a place you go to to meet people. Which was sad. But he said there were only a couple of guys he found attractive there anyway, and they were with a group so ho hum. He is concerned that, being 31, he'd missed the boat for fnding a man. I don't think that this is the case but having gone to a gay bar and had no-one pay him any attention, he's still a bit concerned. He's going to keep looking, and we're going to keep being supportive! It's not like any of us even have time for another partner, but I know he'd like someone to go on a couple of dates with at least. So if anyone knows any cute bi/gay, poly, Christian guys in the DC area, give us a shout...

Friday, January 27, 2012

Assumptions Make the World Go Round

I was reading a forum discussion last week about polyamory and spiritual/religious practices. I was mainly reading it for something to do – the discussion was a few years old and I didn't want to resurrect it, but one post caught my eye. This person stated that, by definition, a practising Christian
would be against polyamory as it is a sin against God and man.

All practising Christians are against polyamory.

Hi, I'm Isobel. I'm a polyamorous, practising Christian.
I'm also a woman. As a woman, I enjoy knitting, the company of small children, baking, wearing make-up, reading the gossip columns in glossy magazines and watching reality tv. (Two of those are correct)
I'm exaggerating the point. The original comment on the forum thread wasn't inflammatory, or insulting and I have taken it entirely out of context.

It does still raise a valid point for me. People tend to assume that Christians will not be open to or accepting of polyamory. I do it to! I met a young woman today who seemed nice, and we were chatting. I referred to my boyfriend and girlfriend as 'friends'. I often do this with strangers as we're closeted, but I was even more cautious about this woman as we had previously been talking about what churches we attend. I, a polyamorous Christian, was assuming that another Christian would have a problem with my lifestyle.

Why did I do that?
My best answer is because I've had...issues in the past with other Christians making incorrect, hurtful assumptions about me because I happen to form multiple romantic attachments. Yet, I do know better. We're not all like that. Both of my partners are Christian. My ex-girlfriend is Christian. I have Christian friends who have no problem with my lifestyle.

I guess the trick here is just to keep standing up and declaring my faith, my loves, and the compatibility of both. And maybe being a little less judgemental myself.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Moderate Atheists?

Moderate Atheists.
I know some exist. I am personally acquainted with a few of them :) The internet, however, appears to be full of the other, extremist variety.

Let me make it clear now. I have no issue or problem with atheism. If you don't believe in God or any of Her (many) permutations, that's cool. I will even engage with you in reasonable discussion (note: discussion not screaming argument) on the merits of our separate world views.
I wish also to acknowledge that other religious types don't always cover themselves in glory. Telling atheists that they're going to go to hell, or screaming about damnation or the sanctity of marriage or whatever is also not a reasonable discussion. Indeed, when I read things like this I wonder exactly where Jesus and God are in these people's lives. That scares me far more than hardline atheism. 


That being said, the internet atheists are often unwilling to discuss anything. It's hard to have a reasonable discussion with someone who's main argument is that you believe in 'fairy stories' or declare that they despise all religion. Really? That's your idea of an adult discussion? Finding the other person's views so utterly threatening that you do the cyber equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and screaming at the top of your lungs? This discussion is not one where we are ever going to persuade each other of the truth of our personal beliefs. It just isn't. I accept that. I'd like for you, hypothetical atheist, to do the same so we can learn more about each other rather than engage in a mud-slinging contest.


For the record, though, you will always win. No, I cannot produce any empirical evidence as to the existence of God. That's kind of the opposite of why I believe what I do. Neither will I belittle your views and tell you that you're just wrong, too scared to believe in what you cannot see, touch or prove through science. I won't argue with you about this. I don't see the point.
So, I guess, you win. Congratulations. I'll just go about my daily business, having faith in something greater than myself and praying to my imaginary friend.
She thinks you're awesome, by the way.

Monday, January 23, 2012

My Failure to Find a Coat

It's not all talking and sex, you know.

Half the time, poly life is just...well, life. This weekend, whilst being filled with more Emotional Conversations(tm) and me being ill also included a shopping trip, watching more youtube clips than should legally be permitted in one evening and childcare.

The shopping trip was partially successful. I obtained a pair of jeans that do not make me look like a man! As someone with a fairly slim upper body and some pretty substantial hips, I have problems finding jeans that fit. If they fit my hips, they're often baggy around my waist. If they fit my waist, I usually struggle to get them past my thighs. So I tend to resort to what is commonly known as 'the boyfriend fit' style of jeans. They are comfortable, usually fit me, but have the downside of making me look slightly masculine. This is not something I'm averse to - I enjoy androgyny, but not every single day. At long last, I have found a pair that make it clear I do have hips! AND a waist! And legs :D
Alas, the primary purpose of the shopping trip was so I could find a winter coat that Hermit is not ashamed to be seen with me while wearing. That's a slight exaggeration. Though my love does not always appreciate my somewhat 'unique' dress sense, I don't think I've ever made him ashamed to be seen with me. Despite this, my current winter coat is an ex-German Navy officer's coat, kindly donated by my father (no, he's not the ex-German Naval officer, he's a man who likes military surplus stores). Whilst warm and perfect for the DC winter, it makes me look like a bag lady. Or a man. I wanted something smart that I could wear when we go out, or go to church. No luck :( Unlike the UK where one could conceivably wear a winter coat all year round and only get slightly too warm in August, DC has much more defined seasons which apparently affects the items of clothing on sale. There were about 10 coats that looked warm enough, all of which were either too big, too small, or just not my style. I am tempted to give up on the coat shopping as it will be spring soon, and just keep with the Naval coat for the time being.
Then I found this...which is beautiful, but pricey. And may also be too small for me but I have no tape-measure so can't tell.

Sadly, you're not getting anything more interesting tonight. I am still ill :( I spent most of Sunday asleep and can't remember a word of the conversation Hermit and I had on Sunday morning before he, Minx and the child went to church and I went back to bed.

Oh, I did make delicious brownie and delicious soup today :D In terms of culinary experiences, today has been a good one!

Friday, January 20, 2012

So You're a Christian? That's...Interesting.

I get the feeling (correct me if I'm wrong) that polyamorous Christians are something of a rarity. I'm not talking about the Mormon God-says-I-should-have-5-wives variety, of which there are a few. That is something else entirely and something that I'm not sure I agree with. I mean those who have relationships in which all partners have an equal say. This gets sticky when you come to secondary and tertiary relationships, but my point is that they are not relationships centered around the male controlling or dominating the relationship dynamic. I would argue that even M/S* relationships are 'equal' - you have to actively give your autonomy over to another person in order to be controlled so completely. And all things being equal, there are negotiated boundaries, rules, safewords* etc which make this an equal power exchange rather than a forced power removal. But I think that's a post for another time.

My point (lost in there somewhere) is that there are few Christians who practice polyamory, as I define it. The majority of the community seems to be a mix of atheist, Pagan, Buddhist and those with varying spiritual beliefs. Is Christianity so incompatible with this lifestyle/sexuality? Obviously, as a Christian, I don't believe so. But I do think that there is such an emphasis (implicit or otherwise) on conforming to the norm which is perpetuated through churches and religious upbringings that living an alternative life seems challenging and alien, if not downright impossible. Alternative people can find themselves cast out of their church, disowned by their families and stigmatised for simply living and loving differently. 

I believe there is a fundamental incompatibility between this behaviour and the teachings of the New Testament (Old is a bit different). I've always understood the main goal of Christians is to be more like Christ. I don't think that's an overly-controversial statement and I think a fair few Christians would agree with me on that, even if they have issue with my choices. I'm also fairly sure that Christ was fairly big on love and acceptance, even for those outcasts in society. Say, like whores and lepers? So, if Christ were physically present here and now, do you really think He'd turn away from people who were loving (physically, romantically, whatever) more than one person, where all parties were fully aware and consenting? I don't think so.

If He would, then I'm in the wrong religion.

Terminology:
M/S - Master/Slave. A form of BDSM relationship in which one person gives over all autonomy to the other.
Safewords - Employed within the BDSM community between people who play together, whether casually or as part of a committed relationship. Used by the submissive to signal discomfort, distress, and a desire to stop. When someone safewords, you stop what you're doing immediately. Doing otherwise gives you a very bad reputation and may lead to being barred from certain clubs.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Jesus: Required for Successful Relationships?

I read this blog post today.

I don't agree with some of what the author says, but I also don't think that the relationship described is an especially good one. Really, referring to one of your partners as an old shoe on national tv? Not a smart move, and actually pretty disrespectful to the partner in question. Say it's a comfortable relationship, yes, say that you might not have the passion of a new relationship because, well, you can't stay at the ripping-clothes-off stage forever. Don't describe it as an old shoe! Anyway, mini-shoe-rant over.

What I took a real issue with is the 2nd to last sentence.
 Unlike the fundamentalist religious Browns [a Mormon family with multiple wives], these people don't see their lifestyle as God's wish, making them less likely to stick with it, I suspect.

For a moment, let's ignore the fact that I am religious and do see my relationships as a blessing...maybe not God's wish for all humanity, but God's wish for me.
That aside.

WTF? This seems to be saying that relationships are more likely to fail if the people participating in them do not have the determination to succeed, only given by the certainty that it's what God wants. I'm exaggerating the point here, the author does say a bit about how hard polyamory must be with social normal and cultural constraints. A valid point.

Except that gay and lesbian relationships faced the same cultural constraints. And mixed-race. And relationships across the class divide. Miraculously, without being members of fundamental religious groups, these couples survived, thrived, and are now common sights in our society.

Polyamory has its issues and these are made easier to bear by believing that this is how your life should be, but belief in God and God's wishes on the matter is not necessary for the success of the lifestyle. If you are just non-monogomous down to your bones, in your genes and in your heart, why is that belief somehow inferior to the belief that God wants you to be poly? Does this mean that a heteronormative, monogomous, atheist couple are destined to fail because they can't have that certainty of God's hand in their lives?
Are the only successful relationships in this world relationships formed and maintained with the participant's certainty of God's desires?
I find this very hard to believe.

Going back to the fact that I am a Christian. Yes, I have a cast-iron certainty that this is the way God made me, that I am supposed to love as is natural for me, and yes, despite how cringingly evangelical this sounds, I believe that Minx and Hermit were placed in my life for a reason. BUT. That doesn't mean that my resolve to make this triad work is based solely on my faith! It doesn't make my determination any stronger than the most committed poly atheist, or Pagan, or Buddhist. It just gives me a slightly different focus for my life.

When poly relationships fail, it's not because the members weren't determined enough. Ok, so maybe sometimes it is. I'm going to let you into a secret - they fail for the same reasons that monogomous relationships fail. Sure, the whole defying-society thing adds pressure. Poly people end relationships because they fall out of love, they don't get on anymore, they can't stand each other's parents, they don't see each other enough, work gets in the way, one has to move countries, it just isn't working. Here's another secret. They rarely fail because of infidelity, emotional, sexual, or otherwise.

I am in a very happy and healthy triad. I don't believe we're more/less likely to succeed than other triads because of the fact that we're all liberal Christians. Our faith helps to bind us together and gives us strength, but that doesn't make atheist triads less connected. Other people find different common ground, and gain strength from other things. We will succeed because we love each other, and because we believe we are doing the right thing for all people involved. If we don't succeed, it won't be because there are three of us.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Questioning Sexuality

When I was younger, I used to think that you always know your sexuality. People who 'discovered' they were gay when in their 40s, after having been married 15 years and had 3 kids were always aware and lying to themselves, or just had no self-awareness. In my defence, I was young and stupid and had a cast-iron certainty about my own sexuality. I was bi. Even before I got the opportunity to even kiss another woman, I was 99.99% sure I was bi. I always wondered how you could just not know something so fundamental.

As I saw more of life and the nuances of my own sexuality became more obvious, I lost some of that arrogance. If I didn't know I was kinky, or understand how deep my polyamorous tendencies ran, who am I to say that someone can't know they are gay or bi? As I continually become more aware of the insidious pressures people face to conform to the heteronormative standard I understand more how 'dangerous' traits can be ignored and buried to keep within the norm.
Much of this pressure isn't even malevolent, I don't think. Boys and young men especially are surrounded by images of 'manly men' (not men in tights...) who play sports, shoot deer and are good with women. Anyone that does not fit into that stereotype (by the way, I know few enough men who do) is at risk of ridicule. Having an alternative sexuality of any kind does not really register on the public consciousness. It's not an option that's readily given to young people. It's straight until proven gay, the inference still being that straight is 'normal', whatever than means. If it's not presented as a viable option, then why consider it?

In some ways I think bisexual men have it worse of all. After all, they like women too. So is the nagging attraction to men just something to be ignored, because you can so easily fit into the norm? If you can settle down with a nice girl and have some kids, why go through the rigmarole of coming out and having same-sex relationships? Are you even bi? Could you not just be straight with the ability to appreciate masculine beauty? The choice to live as a bisexual man seems to be a tough one. It's not a prominent sexuality in terms of social awareness and there's a sense of not quite fitting in to either camp. Gay men have, should they choose to use it, a culture and community all of their own. Being bi, you're kind of stuck in the middle.

I keep saying 'bi men' because I am of the opinion that bi women are more mainstream. Maybe not true bisexuality - images of us in the media tend to stick to the 'college/drunken experimentation' genre. But we do still HAVE a place, whether or not it's accurate. Bi men? Not so much, I don't think. It's almost expected for a woman to experiment a bit. 'Oh yes, I was in college and everyone was doing it. Women are so pretty, you know?' Again, not so for men.

So if you are bi and are only coming to realise it as an adult man...what do you do? It's never something you've considered because it's never really been presented as an option. You might be married, you might have children. Do you keep ignoring it and be content with what you've chosen, or do you take the leap and do something about it? Tell someone, anyone you trust. Your wife maybe, your girlfriend, your best man. If you tell someone, do you want to explore it? Find a man who won't dismiss you because you're unsure, or because you're 'only bi', or because you maybe don't want an actual relationship as much as someone to play with, a partner in exploration. Someone who'll be gentle and not laugh at you when you're anxious.

It's not an easy decision.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Making Friends

On Thursday, the three of us went to our first ever poly meet-up, a discussion group rather than a munch*.

It was AWESOME.

Whilst I have had a strong support of poly/alternative folk previously, I've never been to a specifically poly group. Hermit and Minx have just never had either. It was so good to be able to introduce myself as being with them both, as a girlfriend and not just a 'friend'. I got to sit next to Minx, with my hand somehow holding both hers and Hermit's, without being looked at weirdly.

Everyone was there for different reasons. Some were looking to make friends and network, some were getting into poly and wanted people to talk to, some had been in it for a while and were looking to share their experiences. We went for a number of reasons. So there's one place we can be open, to get advice and share problems with other poly people. And to have some fun. None of us really know many people in DC, and a poly discussion group sounds like a good place to meet like-minded folk. Strange, that.

Oddly, I was one of the more experienced people there, despite also being the youngest. There were a lot of people just getting into it and I have been interested at least for a long time now. The experience was spread widely. At one end were the people who were just getting information, at the other were people who had been living poly for 10-15 years. There wasn't a whole lot in-between. Everyone was really friendly and helpful, though I think I need to be less cavalier about how our triad formed. It was a bit of an accident. We all assumed it would be a V*, then Minx and I got to know each other and suddenly I was asking Hermit how he'd feel if I fell in love with his wife. It is an accidental triad. I kind of exhibited this view and one of the men there very gently chastised us. Apparently people can search for 10 years for a compatible triad and never find one, and we just stumbled into it. I knew triads were unusual, but I didn't realise they were quite that rare.

Speaking of rarities, I was also pointed out as the ideal unicorn :D That made me smile.

I feel very lucky that ours works so well, and that we are so compatible. Things would have been very different if Minx and I hated each other, or if we were both straight. There were stories about people who wouldn't even talk to their partner's partner - that would be horrendous!

It was wonderful to be able to talk with other people about our collective experiences. There was a great deal of sharing, and a lot of giving and receiving of advice. Someone might ask 'how do you deal with x emotion' and three other people would compare experiences and offer strategies or alternative ways of viewing said emotion. There was practical advice too, along the lines of how to deal with children, coming out to family and being closeted.

I know Minx found it useful to be able to speak in a safe environment. She (and Hermit) have found it hard to not have anyone else to talk to about this, outside of our triad. It was validating for her to have people say 'yes, I feel/felt that way too' or 'that's something I still struggle with'. She would put it more succinctly than I, but it's safe to say that it was a much-needed experience. We're planning on going back next month and maybe going to one of the DC munches.

Terminology:
Munch - originally from the BDSM community (at least, that's where I know it from), a munch is an informal, social gathering where people can make friends within the BDSM/poly/whatever community. In the UK these normally take place in a pub, and food is often involved.
V - a poly formation of three people, two of whom are in a relationship with the third person, but not each other.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Emotional Conversations(tm)

It's all excitement here, folks!
Yes, the weekend was host to yet more Emotional Conversations(tm). They were largely focused around how we are all finding the recent changes very hard to adjust to. Hermit and Minx had added me into their life, moved house, started new jobs, had family rows and the child has started school, all since August. I've finished college, moved out of home, moved to a new country, started a new job and been integrated into a new family, also all since August.

That's a lot of change, and a lot of stress. To add to all of that, I'm not overly happy about being closeted (understand it's necessary, will stay so for as long as we need to, don't have to like it) and I am not designed to be with people all day, every day. I get very over-stimulated and fairly exhausted. So basically, I'm in the wrong job. Yay stress.

I, for one, do not deal well with stress. Normally I deal with it by sleeping a whole lot. What with my job, and having an hour commute there and back to see Hermit and Minx twice a week, as well as weekends, I just don't have time to sleep as much as my current stress levels require. Hermit has been suggesting for a while now that I find another way to deal with my stress. It's a valid suggestion - I'm MEAN when I'm stressed out. And, poor guy, he's the one it gets taken out on. I'm still very sensitive to hurting Minx and don't want to lose her, so I tend to keep a lid on things with her. For obvious reasons I can't snap at my bosses. When I speak to my family (rarely) I want to have an enjoyable conversation. I feel I can throw pretty much anything at Hermit and he won't budge. Which is true, he won't leave me. But that's not a valid reason for being such a bitch and he deserves far better treatment than he's been getting.

As I said, he's been bringing it up (gently) for a while and just gets snapped at for his trouble. On Sunday, after one-too-many mean responses from myself, he got a bit angry. That's when I know I've really crossed the line :/ This was literally as we were walking out of the door for church in the evening, so it's not like we could sit down and have the Emotional Conversation(tm) that was obviously required. We all sat in the car in mildly uncomfortable silence and when we got to church I stayed in the car with Hermit to try and sort it out. There was an apology (from me), a fair amount of tears (also from me), some hardcore listening (from him) and some useful suggestions (also from him). The conclusion was reached that I do (surprise surprise) need to find a way to relax and let go of my stress. We're not sure how, but it's something to work on. The conclusion was also reached that I need to start accepting my own limitations. That's a whole other post entirely, suffice to say that they are many and varied, and often make life in modern society a challenge.

I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to relax, but I'm trying. I've started to listen to music everytime I walk anywhere (a new and brilliant idea, I know). Not just have it on in the background, but really listen to it. It gives me something to focus on and forces my brain to stop working in overdrive, which it does for the majority of the time I'm awake. I'm finding it useful, thus far. The big question is, can I translate this into needing less sleep?

Anyway, we made up. I'm going to try to stop being such a bitch and somehow he's going to continue to trust that I will listen to him when he says something's wrong, and not jump down his throat.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Classifications

This is an awesome graph. It was found here, and all credit goes to Franklin Veaux.

Anyway, I thought I'd say something about classifications. Generally speaking, I intensely dislike being put in a pigeon hole. I'm not quite sure why. I think my discomfort comes from the fact that there is so much more to a person than the boxes they tick. Yes, I am female. I'm Christian, I'm blonde, British, a musician, a Pisces. I'm also a feminist, sex-positive, a cat-owner and a juggler. No one of these things defines who I am, even if you take all of my boxes, you still can't know me. It's true - the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Or so I like to think :D 

The first time I fell in love with another woman, we spent several hours (over several days) discussing whether it was worth naming our relationship. We decided that, actually, it wasn't necessary. We loved each other, we enjoyed spending time...but did we want to claim the 'girlfriend' tag, and deal with explaining to people how our respective boyfriends felt about it? Was the title that important to us? Ultimately, we started to use it more for ease of discussion with people who didn't know both of us. If I was talking to a friend from out of town, or someone I'd only just met, I'd refer to her as my girlfriend rather than try to explain our particular relationship.

There's also a problem with the assumptions people make when you start to use labels. I'm bi. What image does that bring up? For some, not a particular image. For others, there's the stereotype of the drunken teen kissing their best friend in a club because it makes the boys stare. There's the stereotype of the woman who will fool around with women, but not actually consider settling down and having a life with one.I am neither of those things, but when I use that word I run the risk of people assuming I am either of those things. Anyone who knows me is unlikely to come to either of those conclusions, but being a bi woman does still carry certain connotations. 

But how do you talk about yourself and your life without using tags? There is rarely time upon first meeting someone to go into the detail required to skip using tags. If I meet someone at a party, do I talk about my boyfriend and girlfriend, or do I take an hour and explain that I'm in a relationship with are a married couple who have a young child, that we're currently polyfidelitous* but may consider dating separately in later life, though no-one is keen on actually adding another primary*-type relationship into the mix as we seem to work well as a triad*. The latter contains way more accurate information, whilst the former is more easily understood, if imprecise.

So having said all of that, I love this graph. It tries to cover as many permutations of non-monogomy as it can. And, you know, it's funny. Where on the graph do we fit? I guess in the nice purple splodge that says 'polifidelity'. Minx and I both fit into the bisexual, one partner of each gender category. We also slightly fit into the yellow unicorn* box. Minx has referred to me as the unicorn they never knew they were looking for, which I like.

Terminology:
Polyfidelity - A polyamoros relationship wherein the members do not have outside relationships.
Primary - A partner who is your priority over other partners. Related terms are 'secondary' and 'tertiary'. A secondary is subordinate in importance to their partner's primary, but superior to a tertiary. Not all relationships work like this!
Triad - A form of relationship with three members, all of whom are in relationships with each other.
Unicorn - An attractive, bisexual female who is willing to date couples.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Learning How To Talk

It's been said before, by people more experienced and more eloquent than I. As a person in a poly relationship, you will get sick to death of communicating.
Talking, listening, talking some more, yelling, writing, whispering. Trying so hard to put the half-formed thoughts and emotions that slosh around in your head into coherent words and sentences. Making sure you are understood, failing, railing against small misunderstandings.
I've been back in DC for five days. Three of those have been spent either arguing, or having a deeply emotional conversation. Often they've been both at the same time. Not bad arguments, and not bad conversations. Everything that was said needed to be said, and Minx, Hermit and I all know where we stand. Which is important in any relationship.

It's not that poly relationships are inherently more complex, more intense, more anything. It's that when there are more people, there are more points of view to consider. More emotions to be made known. More potential for miscommunication because maybe two of the group don't talk as much as they should, and the rest of the group assumes everyone knows what's going on. As an established couple of over a decade, Minx and Hermit know how to communicate together. I'm still learning how to communicate with each of them, and we're all working on group communication. All too often I assume Hermit can read my mind, or just plain forget to open my mouth and express myself to either of them.

Sometimes one of us swears blind we told the other two about something that was important. Last night the issue was where I was sleeping. To get everyone up to speed, I'm someone who needs a lot of sleep. I get grumpy, bitchy, and generally unpleasant when I haven't slept enough. I dislike being any of those things. I have trouble sleeping with two other people in a queen-sized bed, so I've taken to sleeping on the couch (actually a twin bed with lots of cushions). This also saves questions from the child who is too young to understand, and too young to reliably not tell the whole of church exactly where I sleep when I stay over. Hermit is sure that he's told me, numerous times, that it is important to him for both Minx and I to sleep in bed with him when I'm around. He needs to fall asleep next to the people he loves. It s entirely possible that he has said this before. Likely, even. Prior to last night's conversation, I have no recollection of this at all. Not a clue it was so important. So at almost midnight last night, after a different intense conversation, we had another conversation about why he wanted me to stay in the bed despite my poor quality of sleep. I'd been pushing against this a lot because (as I've said), I need sleep. Now I know how he feels about this, it's no longer a problem! I'll sleep there until I wake up, then relocate to the couch.

But wow, we actually had to have a whole conversation about that.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Hi, I'm Isobel, and that's not my real name.

Hi.

I'm Isobel. Nice to meet you.
Except that my name isn't really Isobel, and I am doing the cyber equivalent of putting a letter in a bottle and throwing it out to sea, on the off-chance that someone may pick it up. If you've found my letter, then hello. Welcome.

There are thousands and thousands of blogs. I'm not really sure I have anything new to add to the noise. As so many do, I feel the urge to write. What I have to say may or may not be interesting, it may rarely be relevant, but it is mine. Why write? Because I need to. I need to talk to someone, and the internet is as good as anyone.
I believe it's traditional to say what a blog is about. I haven't fully formed my plans yet, but I an give you a rough outline if that suits. In order for it to make sense though, I think I should give you, dear anonymous reader, some background information.

I'm in my mid-20s (and wow is that scary to write). I suppose that I'm a grown-up. I live and work in Washington, DC, but I was born and raised in England. Sometimes, when it's windy and raining in DC, I like to pretend that I'm back in the UK. I am the eldest of four children and I miss my family daily. I am an idealist and a dreamer. More pertinently to the subject matter of this blog, I am also polyamorous. And kinky. And Christian. And I am proud of all of those things. I have a girlfriend, Minx, and a boyfriend, Hermit, who are happily married to each other. I'll give the history sometime but the potted version is that some months ago, they decided to open their marriage up and welcome me as family. They have a beautiful child, who I adore.
We are all currently closeted to the majority of the world. My family knows. Many of my friends in the UK know. Very few people in the US have been told. There are a variety of reasons, the biggest of which is the risk of losing the child. The second of which is losing our jobs. I work with very young children, and both Minx and Hermit work closely with the church. These are not good professions in which to flaunt one's deviancy.
I do not cope well with being in the closet. It doesn't suit me.

This blog is somewhere where I don't have to be closeted - I can talk to you about my loves without fear of one of us being disowned, or losing friends or employment because we have more love in our lives than is usually accepted. This blog is also for my own interests, to chronicle this most amazing, terrifying adventure that we have embarked on together.
Some of it might even make sense.