Something I always struggled with when I was living monogamously was an intense attraction to other people...usually men. It's a somewhat stereotypical problem. You're in love with someone, you want them to be your everything as you apparently are for them but there's just something wrong. You find other people attractive. Ok, so that's cool. Other people find other people attractive too! That's ok. Right, so I want to play around with other people. Cool. I can cope with that. I can be just friends. Um...there's a problem. So, this guy? He's hot, he likes me, I like him. Um. I think I love him. Is that ok?
The answer is invariably 'no'. The first time I broached it with my boyfriend of the time, I ended up breaking up with him. Then the second time he left me. At one time he was asking me why he should stay, and the only answer I could give was that I loved him...that wasn't enough, and he left. I thought he'd gone for good, but the poor man sat in his car for an hour until I realise he was there and persuaded him to come inside. We ended up getting back together, only to break-up, finally, the next time I fell in love with another man. We've established, I think, that I have some long-standing issues with monogamy.
I always felt that wanting to be physical with other people was fundemental to my being. No matter who I was with, how happy I was, I would always want to date other people or be physically affectionate with friends. I held onto this conviction for a long time...and I'm only just beginning to rethink my thoughts on the matter. Currently, I have NO desire to date anyone. Or be physical with anyone. Part of this is because it's not sensible in our current configuration. It's all too new, there are too many things we're all still trying to adapt to and, frankly, we have no time for any of us to be adding someone new to the mix. All along with this, I am starting to feel like I just don't want anyone else. I don't want to risk hurting Minx of Hermit. I don't want to take time away from them, I don't want to spend time with anyone else when I can be spending time with my loves. It's...strange. And scary. And I don't quite know how I feel about it. I told Hermit about it and he seemed pretty happy. He and Minx both understand how I felt previously about having the freedom to date other people. Neither of them were going to tell me I couldn't and it wouldn't change anything between us if I did. Right now though, I just don't want to.
I'm happy. Being given the freedom to do what I've always wanted has apparently removed my desire to do so. I love the two people I'm with and I don't want want to complicate things by seeing someone else. And...I just don't want to. I'm sorry if I'm labouring the point, but this is new and strange for me. I am content. I don't know if this will change at any point, but, for now, I'm good. So apparently I'm in a polyfidelitous relationship. And you know what? That's cool :)
*likes* I know what you want about being given the freedon removing your desire to do so - once I was in a poly relationship I found the desire to do things with other people was hugely reduced. I was no longer restricted, and wasn't trying to push against any boundaries.
ReplyDelete