Failing to Fall in Love

I tried SO hard. Honestly, I really did. I wanted to love Baltimore. It didn't have to be in the same way that I loved Providence, but even a little spark of interest would have been welcome. For me, this is proof that you can't force affection. Currently, I just can't find anything about the city that excites me. It's just...ugly. And scary in places - there are whole blocks of abandoned houses with broken or boarded up windows and in some cases you can see that the roof has fallen in. It is depressing to say the least. Hermit and I drove up with the child on Saturday so I could get a better feel for the city. I did not behave well. There was crying and a fairly childlike attitude for a whole lot of the day because I couldn't manufacture excitement about the city. He was trying so hard to point out the good parts and to make me feel more positive about the possibility of living there, and I was just not co-operating at all. Now I look at it objectively, there's really nothing to cry about. No, it's not somewhere I am excited about living. But there are worse places to live. Perhaps most crucially, if we move to Baltimore we can afford a really lovely house in a reasonable part of the city. Well, more in the suburbs (and suburbs are rarely exciting) but we can have somewhere that is ours, that we can make into our home. Now, that IS exciting.

I had my interview on Sunday/Monday as well. Sunday was really just for arriving and going to dinner with two of the professors. They were both very friendly :) Conversation wasn't particularly stilted (always a bonus) and I genuinely enjoyed it. On Monday I had interviews with some of the other professors and met a whole load of the current graduate students. It was one of the most academically challenging days I have ever had - and I've been in higher education for 5 years! Everyone there was obviously good at what they did and clearly thought that I was the same. Now, I've not done any academic work for several months and no language for almost a year. I am rusty to say the least and felt totally out of my depth. The quality of the program did amaze me though and I came to the conclusion that if I am offered a place at Hopkins, the only way I could turn it down is if everyone does a total U-turn and decides that Providence would be the better place for the family.
That realisation made me sad :( I loved Providence and Brown (see previous post...) and think that I would be very happy there, but it just wouldn't be as beneficial for my career. The course there is missing some crucial elements that Hopkins has and as I want a career in this field upon graduation, choosing the lower quality program would be a pretty dumb move. Still, I am upset :( I just continue to hope that I get offers and that I am academically up to whatever program I end up with!