Monday, March 26, 2012

The Trouble With Sex

Something that's come up a couple of times in the past week for our triad is negotiating sex. Or rather, what happens when we neglect to do so. We had a set of rules a while ago which have slowly been discarded as they became unnecessary and we have neglected to concentrate any effort in replacing them. 'Replacing' is possibly the wrong word. We don't need a hard and fast set of rules any more. Beyond the 'let me know what you're doing and when you're doing it', and some details on contraception, we're generally happy to let things happen as and when. Whilst this makes for a more natural sex-life, it does leave the door open to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We have tried to get into the habit of each person stating exactly what they want from any sexual encounter that involves all three of us, but it's not something we've managed to stick with and I think it's something we need to make more of an effort on. Admittedly, it does feel a bit weird to stop mid-foreplay and say 'hang on guys, who wants what exactly?', but weirdness aside it prevents upset if you know exactly what the others want, or don't want.

If Minx or I are too tired for actual intercourse, but would like some affection and want to give some attention to the other two, then that is a really good thing to know beforehand. In that instance it stops Hermit from feeling unwanted by one of his ladies and means that the other doesn't  need to worry about taking too much of his physical attention away from her. Or me. I'm getting confused with pronouns a bit. I think that makes sense though? Likewise if we're all really enthusiastic and Minx and I both want a good amount of attention from Hermit (and the other lady...but we have less of a problem with going straight from round one to round two due to physiology) then telling him so before we even start means that we all know he either needs to conserve energy, or that we need to give him a 5 minute break halfway though.

The problem is that once we're all in the mood, stopping to negotiate who's doing what to whom is kind of a buzz kill. It's deeply important and something I think we all need to make an effort at, but remembering to do so in the heat of the moment is not only difficult but kind of frustrating.
Something to think on, at any rate.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Petty Rant

I am very frustrated by something, and can't work out if I'm being petty or if my frustration is valid. It's in relation to my ex-boyfriend, so there is probably some pettyness in there somewhere, but I hope that it's not the entire reason. There's a bunch of stuff going on, but I guess the main aggravation is that I feel like he's moved into the social space I left. That is a very arrogant statement, I know, and not really true, but it's how I feel. He's socialising with all of my friends and has joined a student group that I was the chair for for a year. He's not even a student! That was MY thing! (ok, that's totally petty). I just feel like there's nothing left in Birmingham that's just mine. He's appropriated everything. I believe he's even going to church socials and he never once went to church with me. In 4 years. I've been out of Birmingham for 5 months and now he's at the pub with my church friends. WTF?!

I know that life goes on without me - both for him and the whole of Birmingham. I just feel like he's taking my space and not leaving anything for me to visit because he's there. I sound like a total child, I know. I just can't shake this. I swear he never made this much effort with my entire social circles when we were still together. It's very frustrating.

Sorry. All you're getting today is a rant. And the awesome news that I went for a run this evening. Yay running!

Monday, March 19, 2012

On Being a Grown-up

I turned 25 over the weekend. In my head, this is a very grown-up sounding age. It's the age that I associate with paying one's one taxes, buying food, going to work and not staying up until 3am playing computer games. Never mind that those are things I've been doing (or not, in the case of gaming) for several years, 25 means that it's official.
I'm an adult.

This was kind of compounded by the fact that we went to look at houses on Saturday! Houses to buy! I've never looked at houses to buy before :D Much less with people I am 'settling down' with, and with whom I'm planning a future. I feel like I should be scared, like I should be being dragged into adulthood kicking and screaming, pleading to stay in immaturity for just one more year. I'm not, though. Not scared, not being dragged, and have no interest in being immature (mind you, I've never been a particularly immature person). I am enjoying this new stage in life. Having to consider other people when I buy bedding is a strange, new restriction, but it's one I like. Being asked how I feel about a certain bedframe is new and reassuring. This feels right for me. Being a grown-up and not living the student lifestyle anymore, even though I'm going back to university in August. I don't think I told you. I got an offer from Hopkins, which I accepted! Brown turned me down a couple of days later.

I feel strangely grown-up, and not the least bit upset about it. Hooray!

Now, I'm off to play computer games until about 7.30pm, when I will sensibly have dinner. Probably.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Rape vs. Sexual Assault

A friend of mine recently posted a question on her Facebook profile page.

"if a male is coerced or pressured into sex with a female and doesn't consent, what is this? The legal definition of rape only covers a penis being forced into an orifice (the male has to be the perpetrator)."

For me, the obvious answer is "rape". Legal definitions aside (and I think that one should most definitely be changed), I believe that forcing sex on anyone, regardless of gender, is rape. Holly Pervocracy wrote an interesting post on consent culture a while ago and whilst I don't think that explicit consent is always necessary in long-term, established relationships, I do think that consent is something that often gets over-looked. In the BDSM community, consent is HUGE. It gets talked about all the time and people are very aware of it. That's not to say that there are no issues with consent at all, but I feel like it's more a norm to discuss consent within that community than out of it. In contrast, consent isn't discussed so openly in the wider community. There's obviously a very strong vein of 'rape is bad' that everyone is aware of, but exactly what rape is is talked about far less often. Is that word reserved for the anonymous, violent assault that we hear about most often? Distressingly the answer is often 'yes'. We don't teach our young people that any kind of sex that they do not want and agree to is rape. Being persuaded to do it because all your friends are is a form of rape, as far as I'm concerned. Doing it for a quiet life is a form of rape. It doesn't have to be this huge, violent thing that leaves you traumatised and damaged.

In terms of education, I think it should be much more prominent in our sex-education system. Teenagers need to be told that rape can and does happen within relatinonships. We should tell them more than 'you have a right to say no'. Yes, they have a right to say no. But what happens if that no is ignored? What happens if it's your boyfriend or girlfriend who ignores your no? Going to the police may be an overreaction, but exactly what should you do? There is obviously no one-size-fits-all answer for this, but if someone ignores that then they need to be sat down and have a good discussion on boundaries, autonomy and someone's right to just not be interested sometimes. Telling teenagers and young adults that 'no means no' and leaving it at that just isn't enough.

Back to the orginal question. Yes, this senerio is rape. There is no consent and one party is being forced/coerced into something they do not want. I don't care that the guy isn't being penetrated. He said no. By ignoring that, the woman is taking away his right to make choices regarding what he does (and what is done to) his body. Rape is not just a violent action. It is often a violation of trust, a degredation of one's dignity and is one of the most effective ways of telling someone that their voice and decisions do not matter.
Calling it anything else is demeaning to the man and reinforces a culture where men have to 'be men', where they are not allowed to admit to an experience that women would be encouraged to report to the police.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Failing to Fall in Love

I tried SO hard. Honestly, I really did. I wanted to love Baltimore. It didn't have to be in the same way that I loved Providence, but even a little spark of interest would have been welcome. For me, this is proof that you can't force affection. Currently, I just can't find anything about the city that excites me. It's just...ugly. And scary in places - there are whole blocks of abandoned houses with broken or boarded up windows and in some cases you can see that the roof has fallen in. It is depressing to say the least. Hermit and I drove up with the child on Saturday so I could get a better feel for the city. I did not behave well. There was crying and a fairly childlike attitude for a whole lot of the day because I couldn't manufacture excitement about the city. He was trying so hard to point out the good parts and to make me feel more positive about the possibility of living there, and I was just not co-operating at all. Now I look at it objectively, there's really nothing to cry about. No, it's not somewhere I am excited about living. But there are worse places to live. Perhaps most crucially, if we move to Baltimore we can afford a really lovely house in a reasonable part of the city. Well, more in the suburbs (and suburbs are rarely exciting) but we can have somewhere that is ours, that we can make into our home. Now, that IS exciting.

I had my interview on Sunday/Monday as well. Sunday was really just for arriving and going to dinner with two of the professors. They were both very friendly :) Conversation wasn't particularly stilted (always a bonus) and I genuinely enjoyed it. On Monday I had interviews with some of the other professors and met a whole load of the current graduate students. It was one of the most academically challenging days I have ever had - and I've been in higher education for 5 years! Everyone there was obviously good at what they did and clearly thought that I was the same. Now, I've not done any academic work for several months and no language for almost a year. I am rusty to say the least and felt totally out of my depth. The quality of the program did amaze me though and I came to the conclusion that if I am offered a place at Hopkins, the only way I could turn it down is if everyone does a total U-turn and decides that Providence would be the better place for the family.
That realisation made me sad :( I loved Providence and Brown (see previous post...) and think that I would be very happy there, but it just wouldn't be as beneficial for my career. The course there is missing some crucial elements that Hopkins has and as I want a career in this field upon graduation, choosing the lower quality program would be a pretty dumb move. Still, I am upset :( I just continue to hope that I get offers and that I am academically up to whatever program I end up with!