When I was younger, I used to think that you always know your sexuality. People who 'discovered' they were gay when in their 40s, after having been married 15 years and had 3 kids were always aware and lying to themselves, or just had no self-awareness. In my defence, I was young and stupid and had a cast-iron certainty about my own sexuality. I was bi. Even before I got the opportunity to even kiss another woman, I was 99.99% sure I was bi. I always wondered how you could just not know something so fundamental.
As I saw more of life and the nuances of my own sexuality became more obvious, I lost some of that arrogance. If I didn't know I was kinky, or understand how deep my polyamorous tendencies ran, who am I to say that someone can't know they are gay or bi? As I continually become more aware of the insidious pressures people face to conform to the heteronormative standard I understand more how 'dangerous' traits can be ignored and buried to keep within the norm.
Much of this pressure isn't even malevolent, I don't think. Boys and young men especially are surrounded by images of 'manly men' (not men in tights...) who play sports, shoot deer and are good with women. Anyone that does not fit into that stereotype (by the way, I know few enough men who do) is at risk of ridicule. Having an alternative sexuality of any kind does not really register on the public consciousness. It's not an option that's readily given to young people. It's straight until proven gay, the inference still being that straight is 'normal', whatever than means. If it's not presented as a viable option, then why consider it?
In some ways I think bisexual men have it worse of all. After all, they like women too. So is the nagging attraction to men just something to be ignored, because you can so easily fit into the norm? If you can settle down with a nice girl and have some kids, why go through the rigmarole of coming out and having same-sex relationships? Are you even bi? Could you not just be straight with the ability to appreciate masculine beauty? The choice to live as a bisexual man seems to be a tough one. It's not a prominent sexuality in terms of social awareness and there's a sense of not quite fitting in to either camp. Gay men have, should they choose to use it, a culture and community all of their own. Being bi, you're kind of stuck in the middle.
I keep saying 'bi men' because I am of the opinion that bi women are more mainstream. Maybe not true bisexuality - images of us in the media tend to stick to the 'college/drunken experimentation' genre. But we do still HAVE a place, whether or not it's accurate. Bi men? Not so much, I don't think. It's almost expected for a woman to experiment a bit. 'Oh yes, I was in college and everyone was doing it. Women are so pretty, you know?' Again, not so for men.
So if you are bi and are only coming to realise it as an adult man...what do you do? It's never something you've considered because it's never really been presented as an option. You might be married, you might have children. Do you keep ignoring it and be content with what you've chosen, or do you take the leap and do something about it? Tell someone, anyone you trust. Your wife maybe, your girlfriend, your best man. If you tell someone, do you want to explore it? Find a man who won't dismiss you because you're unsure, or because you're 'only bi', or because you maybe don't want an actual relationship as much as someone to play with, a partner in exploration. Someone who'll be gentle and not laugh at you when you're anxious.
It's not an easy decision.
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