Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Falling in Love (It's not what you think)

I had an interview (well, 6 interviews) at Brown University on Friday. I tried so hard to see the bad bits about Providence and the course, I tried to dislike the professors and be sceptical about the enthusiasm of the current grad students. In the end, I failed pretty miserably.

After 3 hours of walking around Providence on Thursday I concluded that it is a wonderful city. The size feels so much like England and the narrow streets with quirky shops and independent coffee shops make it feel like some areas of York or London. Even on a grey and rainy day like Friday I still loved it. Maybe because of the greyness - being a Brit, I feel unnerved by whole months without an overcast day :) But Thursday was glorious sunshine, and I loved it then too. They professors were friendly and interesting, and had an obvious interest in my work. Even the Egyptology professors wanted to know what I do and why I like it. The obvious inter-departmental links really appealed to me and I felt very encouraged when I was told by one of the Assyriology professors that if I came to Brown I should maybe consider taking classes in the Gender and Sexuality department as it would clearly benefit my research. Why yes, yes it would. And I would very much enjoy doing that. I loved the freedom of the program and am excited by the fact that I would have maybe 6 mandatory courses in 3 years. The rest I can choose for myself. This may not seem like a big thing for you American types, but coming from 6 years in the British university system it's like being taken to a sweet shop, being given a bag and being told that you can have anything you want, as long as you have enough time to sample everything properly. The current graduate students were sincere and clearly loved their department. They didn't stop being enthusiastic when we were in the bar without the professors, which for me is a big tell that they weren't just putting on a show.

I loved them two days I spent there, and if I go to Brown I am certain that I will enjoy the vast majority of my work. The problem is that going to Brown involves Minx leaving her job, the child being totally uprooted for the 3rd time in her (almost) 5 years of life and us all moving to a state we have no experience of, to a city with pretty high unemployment. Moving to Baltimore is, by all counts, a safe move. Minx can commute to work until she finds somewhere else and whilst the child wll move schools we will still be close to her extended family, whom she loves dearly. When I first got back to DC from Providence I was very upset. I felt like I was an awful person for even considering moving everyone halfway up the country, but that I would be missing out on something huge if I turned down an offer from Brown. (All of this is currently purely hypothetical - I currently have no actual offers and am desperately hoping that I get at least one). Having now had a good cry and a decent amount of time to think, my thoughts are now a lot clearer. Yes, I will be upset if, in the end, I turn down an offer from them. I still think it's an excellent school and that I would do well there. BUT. I have an interview at Johns Hopkins next week. The course was started in the 1800s and was the first of it's kind in the USA. The program is KNOWN for turning out exceptional scholars and whilst it may be slightly more constrictive it has distinct academc advantages over Brown. If I am put in the amazing position of having to choose between Brown and Hopkins, then I will have a place at a fantastic university no matter what the decision is. The one nagging feeling I have left is how at home I felt at Brown. Well, I'll just have to see how I feel when I get to Hopkins on Monday.
Yes, I'm one of those annoying people who often bases huge decisions on a 'feeling'. It's never let me down yet.

After all that...well, all I have to do is get an offer or two. That's not so hard now, is it?

(p.s. new post up on polytical.org)

Monday, February 27, 2012

Letters I'll Never Send

Dear Chu,

It's such a clear and sunny day here in DC. I was walking down the road and got a sudden sense of Japan in the spring. I have no idea why. It's not warm enough yet, it smells entirely different here and most of the people you see are caucasian. I still felt it though.

Do you remember when we were walking up the hill to one of the temples we visited? It felt almost exactly like that. I have a lot of memories from that trip that still make me smile. Remember seeing the geisha in Kyoto? And going to Ueno Zoo in Tokyo with Ayako? I had such a great time.

I still think about you, sometimes. Hard to spend four years with someone, planning a future together, and totally shut them out when things end. Or when I ended things, more accurately. I know it wasn't easy for you, and I probably didn't handle it well. Actually, ignore that. I was 18. I KNOW I didn't handle it well.

I hope that you're happy, and that life is good for you. I hope you love what you do, and love who you're with. I am happy. Life isn't turning out for me the way I hoped it would when I was 16. I'm not working as a designer. I'm not even trying to get into design - I'm an academic now. There are no children, but, I don't want them now. There's no real prospect of a husband, but I have two beautiful people with whom I'm in love. I live on the other side of the world, not in Scotland.
I am happy.

I think about you, sometimes. I hope you're happy too.

With fondest memories,
Neko

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Interview #1

I'm in an airport, waiting for a plane to Providence.
I have an interview at Brown University tomorrow for a PhD place.

This is scary and totally awesome. No real blog post for yesterday as I was packing and there won't be one tomorrow because I'll be being interviewed, and really don't want to stress myself with writing a blog post too.

More on Monday!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

House Hunting

The on-going discussion about where we may be moving next October has given rise to something I really dread. House hunting. The very words make me want to hide in bed with a good book or possibly a computer game. They conjure up memories of trudging through Birmingham in the rain, trying to find a student house that isn't too mouldy, too expensive, too small, or has a landlord that is insane, neglectful, or an arsehole. This is a challenge at the best of times, but when the entire student population of the city is doing the same thing, it's near impossible. I have always hated house hunting. This time, though, it looks like it might be different.

For starters, we looking for family homes rather than student pits. We have significantly more money at our disposal, even without knowing how much I'll have in terms of a living stipend. And somehow, even the slightly-gross, cheap places are amazing compared to what I've seen and lived in as a student. Looking at places last night, we made the AMAZING discovery that we can actually afford to BUY somewhere. We can afford to buy somewhere and the mortgage would be so low that Hermit could stop working and concentrate on his PhD full-time.

That has got me thinking about my perfect house. Not one we'll ever own, but one that is a lot of fun to day-dream about. There'd have to be 4 bedrooms - one for me, one for the child, and one for Hermit and Minx. Preferably mine would be an attic room...even more preferably, it'd have a secret staircase leading to H & M's room. With doors hidden by bookcases, naturally. The last bedroom would be a study/guest room so Hermit and I could work in peace, and without distrupting the entire house with our research. A large kitchen is essential with people who like to cook especially when there are 3 adults. The kitchen would be open-plan, combined with the dining room and living room. I like being able to see everyone :)
Of course, a nice, large garden would be awesome. Not just for the dog and child, but because Minx and I both really want a vegetable patch. My mum has the most awesome vegetable garden imaginable and I would LOVE to have a similar one. There's something very satisfying about growing your own food.
A basement would also be cool - for a washer/dryer and somewhere to do craft stuff. Or at least store craft stuff. Between us, the child and I could probably stock a small store...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

This Thing Called 'Life'

Apparently, outside of the internet, there's this thing called 'life'. It happens to me on a pretty regular basis and makes it rather hard to actually write a regular blog. This is something of an apology and an explanation, and a promise that normal service will resume on Monday.

Last week I gave a baby mild concussion. Not on purpose! Basically, his stroller tipped and I couldn't stop it from falling. That caused a fair bit of drama. Poor guy. He's fine, his mum took him to the hospital on Friday and they said to keep an eye on him but that he should be ok. He's been a bit moody since, but no amazingly huge personality changes. I also had a phone interview with a professor from my first choice school, who was very enthusiastic about my work and about my potential as a PhD student. On Saturday I woke up with a pretty nasty stomache bug which sucks, because Saturday was the day we'd all decided to go to Baltimore to look around as we may be movng there for my school. Despite the stomache bug, I had fun! Baltimore is surprisingly like Birmingham, my home of the past 5 years, and the university campus is GORGEOUS. I spent a lot of Saturday sleeping in the car :( We also saw some friends of Minx and Hermit's, who I like very much. Hermit actually took them to a coffee shop and told them about our triad, which was wonderful. Their basic response was 'yeah, we thought so. Just waiting until you were ready to tell us'. Which, for your average response, is a very good one. They'd like to hang out more and get to know me better which is an entirely mutual feeling, especially now I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with them. I tend to be quiet in groups of people who all know each other. Sunday was spent mostly in bed, mostly feel appalling. I didn't even get to go to orchestra, I was feeling so ill :(

Now I am feeling healthy and happy again :D My stomache is back to normal and I've had a reasonable amount of sleep, though probably still not quite enough. I've also received an official invitation to visit the university I had the phone interview for, which is really great news and I'm waiting to hear from them about dates.

Normal service will resume on Friday! I'm sorry for the delay...but sometimes life happens :)

Monday, February 6, 2012

Polyfidelity

Something I always struggled with when I was living monogamously was an intense attraction to other people...usually men. It's a somewhat stereotypical problem. You're in love with someone, you want them to be your everything as you apparently are for them but there's just something wrong. You find other people attractive. Ok, so that's cool. Other people find other people attractive too! That's ok. Right, so I want to play around with other people. Cool. I can cope with that. I can be just friends. Um...there's a problem. So, this guy? He's hot, he likes me, I like him. Um. I think I love him. Is that ok?

The answer is invariably 'no'. The first time I broached it with my boyfriend of the time, I ended up breaking up with him. Then the second time he left me. At one time he was asking me why he should stay, and the only answer I could give was that I loved him...that wasn't enough, and he left. I thought he'd gone for good, but the poor man sat in his car for an hour until I realise he was there and persuaded him to come inside. We ended up getting back together, only to break-up, finally, the next time I fell in love with another man. We've established, I think, that I have some long-standing issues with monogamy.

I always felt that wanting to be physical with other people was fundemental to my being. No matter who I was with, how happy I was, I would always want to date other people or be physically affectionate with friends. I held onto this conviction for a long time...and I'm only just beginning to rethink my thoughts on the matter. Currently, I have NO desire to date anyone. Or be physical with anyone. Part of this is because it's not sensible in our current configuration. It's all too new, there are too many things we're all still trying to adapt to and, frankly, we have no time for any of us to be adding someone new to the mix. All along with this, I am starting to feel like I just don't want anyone else. I don't want to risk hurting Minx of Hermit. I don't want to take time away from them, I don't want to spend time with anyone else when I can be spending time with my loves. It's...strange. And scary. And I don't quite know how I feel about it. I told Hermit about it and he seemed pretty happy. He and Minx both understand how I felt previously about having the freedom to date other people. Neither of them were going to tell me I couldn't and it wouldn't change anything between us if I did. Right now though, I just don't want to.

I'm happy. Being given the freedom to do what I've always wanted has apparently removed my desire to do so. I love the two people I'm with and I don't want want to complicate things by seeing someone else. And...I just don't want to. I'm sorry if I'm labouring the point, but this is new and strange for me. I am content. I don't know if this will change at any point, but, for now, I'm good. So apparently I'm in a polyfidelitous relationship. And you know what? That's cool  :)

Friday, February 3, 2012

Ok, You Win. I'm Delusional.

There has been something of a debate on a Facebook polyamory group following the posting of my piece for Polytical. I am surprisingly surprised by this. I was reminded by Hermit that polyamory is not known for being theologically friendly. This makes me sad :( Why is it thus?

More to the point, why does yet another atheist decide to tell me all the ways in which I am doing my religion wrong? Seriously, I get enough of that from people who actually believe in the same god as me. I'm not knocking his beliefs. I don't know the guy, I haven't had his life, I don't understand his world view. I have no right to tell him he's wrong. On the same coin though, he has no right to tell me I'm wrong. I wasn't trying to convert anyone with my post, I wasn't even saying that this is the right way of doing either Christianity or polyamory. I was saying that it is my way. I feel totally unable to defend myself. I don't want to out myself by claming authorship on the Facebook group, and the two people attacking my views are probably more familiar with the Bible than I am. For all my Christianity...the Bible and I have a tough relationship. I have no sound theological argument upon which to base my defence other than I love my God, and my God loves me. Luckily, this is why I am with a theological scholar. Hermit has posted a better defence than I could ever come up with...

Seriously though, why are so many people who are, by definition, open-minded enough to cope with, seek-out and thrive upon multiple relationships unable to cope with other people's declarations of faith? It feels like a red rag to a bull. State you have a religion other than paganism on a poly forum or group and someone will jump on you from a great height. On the other hand, there have been more people defending my views or even thanking them for me than telling me I'm delusional, which is pretty cool :D Maybe I'm over-exaggerating the issue. It just feels that way sometimes.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Moving for your Poly Family

First off, I have a post up on Polytical! It's discussing in more depth why my polyamorous lifestyle is not at odds with my Christianity, and you can click here to check it out. I like Polytical. I like what it does, I like the variety of authors and I find it an easy to navigate site. If they'll have me, I'd like to do some more work for them. I will keep you posted :)

One of the reasons I didn't have a post up yesterday is because I got some wonderful, and somewhat unexpected news. Brown University would like to interview me!  I applied there for a PhD place at the beginning of the year. I wasn't really expecting to hear from them, but I have! They're interested! Can you tell I'm excited?! I'm going up later in the month to meet the faculty, have my interview and see some of the city. Aside from a lot of congratulations and excitement, this has prompted a lot of conversation between myself, Hermit, and Minx. And an argument. And more conversation. The argument is still quietly happening and it's actually more about my reluctance to talk when I'm tired than anything else. The conversation is about a huuuge question. Do we move?

Brown is in Providence, RI. We are currently in Washington, DC. Hermit and Minx both have jobs there that they would be happy keeping past August. The little one is at school here. We have a church, we know the area and we're comfortable if not happy here. If I get offered a place at either Maryland or Hopkins, the other two schools I've applied to, should we not just write Brown off and stay close to where we are? I had been assuming (because I'm an idiot) that both Minx and Hermit would much prefer to stay in the DC area. Apparently, this is not the case. Staying in DC has it's advantages. Then again, so does moving. It would be further away from Minx's family which is increasingly a positive, the cost of living is low, Providence gets snow and it's closer to a best friend. There is also at least one kindergarden that has a Spanish immersion programme, which is important for the child. As far as I'm concerned, Brown is an excellent school and the programme I'm applying to looks fantastic. I am very excited about going up there and seeing if it's as great as it feels.

Is it worth moving for though? I've half been hoping that they rejected me outright because then it wouldn't hurt if I had to go elsewhere. Now...now I'm excited. Thrilled. Amazed that an Ivy League wants to interview me. Very excited about the possibility of moving. And feeling so loved that my poly family will incorporate my dreams into their plans so that we can stay together. A year ago, life was bittersweet. I'd found a man I loved more than I thought I could...but he was leaving my country in April and I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. Now we are in the same city, I'm in a wonderful relationship with his wife and we are all contemplating where we should move to for my schooling. Life's a funny thing.