So You're a Christian? That's...Interesting.

I get the feeling (correct me if I'm wrong) that polyamorous Christians are something of a rarity. I'm not talking about the Mormon God-says-I-should-have-5-wives variety, of which there are a few. That is something else entirely and something that I'm not sure I agree with. I mean those who have relationships in which all partners have an equal say. This gets sticky when you come to secondary and tertiary relationships, but my point is that they are not relationships centered around the male controlling or dominating the relationship dynamic. I would argue that even M/S* relationships are 'equal' - you have to actively give your autonomy over to another person in order to be controlled so completely. And all things being equal, there are negotiated boundaries, rules, safewords* etc which make this an equal power exchange rather than a forced power removal. But I think that's a post for another time.

My point (lost in there somewhere) is that there are few Christians who practice polyamory, as I define it. The majority of the community seems to be a mix of atheist, Pagan, Buddhist and those with varying spiritual beliefs. Is Christianity so incompatible with this lifestyle/sexuality? Obviously, as a Christian, I don't believe so. But I do think that there is such an emphasis (implicit or otherwise) on conforming to the norm which is perpetuated through churches and religious upbringings that living an alternative life seems challenging and alien, if not downright impossible. Alternative people can find themselves cast out of their church, disowned by their families and stigmatised for simply living and loving differently. 

I believe there is a fundamental incompatibility between this behaviour and the teachings of the New Testament (Old is a bit different). I've always understood the main goal of Christians is to be more like Christ. I don't think that's an overly-controversial statement and I think a fair few Christians would agree with me on that, even if they have issue with my choices. I'm also fairly sure that Christ was fairly big on love and acceptance, even for those outcasts in society. Say, like whores and lepers? So, if Christ were physically present here and now, do you really think He'd turn away from people who were loving (physically, romantically, whatever) more than one person, where all parties were fully aware and consenting? I don't think so.

If He would, then I'm in the wrong religion.

Terminology:
M/S - Master/Slave. A form of BDSM relationship in which one person gives over all autonomy to the other.
Safewords - Employed within the BDSM community between people who play together, whether casually or as part of a committed relationship. Used by the submissive to signal discomfort, distress, and a desire to stop. When someone safewords, you stop what you're doing immediately. Doing otherwise gives you a very bad reputation and may lead to being barred from certain clubs.

Making Friends

On Thursday, the three of us went to our first ever poly meet-up, a discussion group rather than a munch*.

It was AWESOME.

Whilst I have had a strong support of poly/alternative folk previously, I've never been to a specifically poly group. Hermit and Minx have just never had either. It was so good to be able to introduce myself as being with them both, as a girlfriend and not just a 'friend'. I got to sit next to Minx, with my hand somehow holding both hers and Hermit's, without being looked at weirdly.

Everyone was there for different reasons. Some were looking to make friends and network, some were getting into poly and wanted people to talk to, some had been in it for a while and were looking to share their experiences. We went for a number of reasons. So there's one place we can be open, to get advice and share problems with other poly people. And to have some fun. None of us really know many people in DC, and a poly discussion group sounds like a good place to meet like-minded folk. Strange, that.

Oddly, I was one of the more experienced people there, despite also being the youngest. There were a lot of people just getting into it and I have been interested at least for a long time now. The experience was spread widely. At one end were the people who were just getting information, at the other were people who had been living poly for 10-15 years. There wasn't a whole lot in-between. Everyone was really friendly and helpful, though I think I need to be less cavalier about how our triad formed. It was a bit of an accident. We all assumed it would be a V*, then Minx and I got to know each other and suddenly I was asking Hermit how he'd feel if I fell in love with his wife. It is an accidental triad. I kind of exhibited this view and one of the men there very gently chastised us. Apparently people can search for 10 years for a compatible triad and never find one, and we just stumbled into it. I knew triads were unusual, but I didn't realise they were quite that rare.

Speaking of rarities, I was also pointed out as the ideal unicorn :D That made me smile.

I feel very lucky that ours works so well, and that we are so compatible. Things would have been very different if Minx and I hated each other, or if we were both straight. There were stories about people who wouldn't even talk to their partner's partner - that would be horrendous!

It was wonderful to be able to talk with other people about our collective experiences. There was a great deal of sharing, and a lot of giving and receiving of advice. Someone might ask 'how do you deal with x emotion' and three other people would compare experiences and offer strategies or alternative ways of viewing said emotion. There was practical advice too, along the lines of how to deal with children, coming out to family and being closeted.

I know Minx found it useful to be able to speak in a safe environment. She (and Hermit) have found it hard to not have anyone else to talk to about this, outside of our triad. It was validating for her to have people say 'yes, I feel/felt that way too' or 'that's something I still struggle with'. She would put it more succinctly than I, but it's safe to say that it was a much-needed experience. We're planning on going back next month and maybe going to one of the DC munches.

Terminology:
Munch - originally from the BDSM community (at least, that's where I know it from), a munch is an informal, social gathering where people can make friends within the BDSM/poly/whatever community. In the UK these normally take place in a pub, and food is often involved.
V - a poly formation of three people, two of whom are in a relationship with the third person, but not each other.

Classifications

This is an awesome graph. It was found here, and all credit goes to Franklin Veaux.

Anyway, I thought I'd say something about classifications. Generally speaking, I intensely dislike being put in a pigeon hole. I'm not quite sure why. I think my discomfort comes from the fact that there is so much more to a person than the boxes they tick. Yes, I am female. I'm Christian, I'm blonde, British, a musician, a Pisces. I'm also a feminist, sex-positive, a cat-owner and a juggler. No one of these things defines who I am, even if you take all of my boxes, you still can't know me. It's true - the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Or so I like to think :D 

The first time I fell in love with another woman, we spent several hours (over several days) discussing whether it was worth naming our relationship. We decided that, actually, it wasn't necessary. We loved each other, we enjoyed spending time...but did we want to claim the 'girlfriend' tag, and deal with explaining to people how our respective boyfriends felt about it? Was the title that important to us? Ultimately, we started to use it more for ease of discussion with people who didn't know both of us. If I was talking to a friend from out of town, or someone I'd only just met, I'd refer to her as my girlfriend rather than try to explain our particular relationship.

There's also a problem with the assumptions people make when you start to use labels. I'm bi. What image does that bring up? For some, not a particular image. For others, there's the stereotype of the drunken teen kissing their best friend in a club because it makes the boys stare. There's the stereotype of the woman who will fool around with women, but not actually consider settling down and having a life with one.I am neither of those things, but when I use that word I run the risk of people assuming I am either of those things. Anyone who knows me is unlikely to come to either of those conclusions, but being a bi woman does still carry certain connotations. 

But how do you talk about yourself and your life without using tags? There is rarely time upon first meeting someone to go into the detail required to skip using tags. If I meet someone at a party, do I talk about my boyfriend and girlfriend, or do I take an hour and explain that I'm in a relationship with are a married couple who have a young child, that we're currently polyfidelitous* but may consider dating separately in later life, though no-one is keen on actually adding another primary*-type relationship into the mix as we seem to work well as a triad*. The latter contains way more accurate information, whilst the former is more easily understood, if imprecise.

So having said all of that, I love this graph. It tries to cover as many permutations of non-monogomy as it can. And, you know, it's funny. Where on the graph do we fit? I guess in the nice purple splodge that says 'polifidelity'. Minx and I both fit into the bisexual, one partner of each gender category. We also slightly fit into the yellow unicorn* box. Minx has referred to me as the unicorn they never knew they were looking for, which I like.

Terminology:

Polyfidelity - A polyamoros relationship wherein the members do not have outside relationships.

Primary - A partner who is your priority over other partners. Related terms are 'secondary' and 'tertiary'. A secondary is subordinate in importance to their partner's primary, but superior to a tertiary. Not all relationships work like this!

Triad - A form of relationship with three members, all of whom are in relationships with each other.

Unicorn - An attractive, bisexual female who is willing to date couples.