The Trouble With Sex

Something that's come up a couple of times in the past week for our triad is negotiating sex. Or rather, what happens when we neglect to do so. We had a set of rules a while ago which have slowly been discarded as they became unnecessary and we have neglected to concentrate any effort in replacing them. 'Replacing' is possibly the wrong word. We don't need a hard and fast set of rules any more. Beyond the 'let me know what you're doing and when you're doing it', and some details on contraception, we're generally happy to let things happen as and when. Whilst this makes for a more natural sex-life, it does leave the door open to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We have tried to get into the habit of each person stating exactly what they want from any sexual encounter that involves all three of us, but it's not something we've managed to stick with and I think it's something we need to make more of an effort on. Admittedly, it does feel a bit weird to stop mid-foreplay and say 'hang on guys, who wants what exactly?', but weirdness aside it prevents upset if you know exactly what the others want, or don't want.

If Minx or I are too tired for actual intercourse, but would like some affection and want to give some attention to the other two, then that is a really good thing to know beforehand. In that instance it stops Hermit from feeling unwanted by one of his ladies and means that the other doesn't  need to worry about taking too much of his physical attention away from her. Or me. I'm getting confused with pronouns a bit. I think that makes sense though? Likewise if we're all really enthusiastic and Minx and I both want a good amount of attention from Hermit (and the other lady...but we have less of a problem with going straight from round one to round two due to physiology) then telling him so before we even start means that we all know he either needs to conserve energy, or that we need to give him a 5 minute break halfway though.

The problem is that once we're all in the mood, stopping to negotiate who's doing what to whom is kind of a buzz kill. It's deeply important and something I think we all need to make an effort at, but remembering to do so in the heat of the moment is not only difficult but kind of frustrating.
Something to think on, at any rate.

Making Friends

On Thursday, the three of us went to our first ever poly meet-up, a discussion group rather than a munch*.

It was AWESOME.

Whilst I have had a strong support of poly/alternative folk previously, I've never been to a specifically poly group. Hermit and Minx have just never had either. It was so good to be able to introduce myself as being with them both, as a girlfriend and not just a 'friend'. I got to sit next to Minx, with my hand somehow holding both hers and Hermit's, without being looked at weirdly.

Everyone was there for different reasons. Some were looking to make friends and network, some were getting into poly and wanted people to talk to, some had been in it for a while and were looking to share their experiences. We went for a number of reasons. So there's one place we can be open, to get advice and share problems with other poly people. And to have some fun. None of us really know many people in DC, and a poly discussion group sounds like a good place to meet like-minded folk. Strange, that.

Oddly, I was one of the more experienced people there, despite also being the youngest. There were a lot of people just getting into it and I have been interested at least for a long time now. The experience was spread widely. At one end were the people who were just getting information, at the other were people who had been living poly for 10-15 years. There wasn't a whole lot in-between. Everyone was really friendly and helpful, though I think I need to be less cavalier about how our triad formed. It was a bit of an accident. We all assumed it would be a V*, then Minx and I got to know each other and suddenly I was asking Hermit how he'd feel if I fell in love with his wife. It is an accidental triad. I kind of exhibited this view and one of the men there very gently chastised us. Apparently people can search for 10 years for a compatible triad and never find one, and we just stumbled into it. I knew triads were unusual, but I didn't realise they were quite that rare.

Speaking of rarities, I was also pointed out as the ideal unicorn :D That made me smile.

I feel very lucky that ours works so well, and that we are so compatible. Things would have been very different if Minx and I hated each other, or if we were both straight. There were stories about people who wouldn't even talk to their partner's partner - that would be horrendous!

It was wonderful to be able to talk with other people about our collective experiences. There was a great deal of sharing, and a lot of giving and receiving of advice. Someone might ask 'how do you deal with x emotion' and three other people would compare experiences and offer strategies or alternative ways of viewing said emotion. There was practical advice too, along the lines of how to deal with children, coming out to family and being closeted.

I know Minx found it useful to be able to speak in a safe environment. She (and Hermit) have found it hard to not have anyone else to talk to about this, outside of our triad. It was validating for her to have people say 'yes, I feel/felt that way too' or 'that's something I still struggle with'. She would put it more succinctly than I, but it's safe to say that it was a much-needed experience. We're planning on going back next month and maybe going to one of the DC munches.

Terminology:
Munch - originally from the BDSM community (at least, that's where I know it from), a munch is an informal, social gathering where people can make friends within the BDSM/poly/whatever community. In the UK these normally take place in a pub, and food is often involved.
V - a poly formation of three people, two of whom are in a relationship with the third person, but not each other.

Classifications

This is an awesome graph. It was found here, and all credit goes to Franklin Veaux.

Anyway, I thought I'd say something about classifications. Generally speaking, I intensely dislike being put in a pigeon hole. I'm not quite sure why. I think my discomfort comes from the fact that there is so much more to a person than the boxes they tick. Yes, I am female. I'm Christian, I'm blonde, British, a musician, a Pisces. I'm also a feminist, sex-positive, a cat-owner and a juggler. No one of these things defines who I am, even if you take all of my boxes, you still can't know me. It's true - the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Or so I like to think :D 

The first time I fell in love with another woman, we spent several hours (over several days) discussing whether it was worth naming our relationship. We decided that, actually, it wasn't necessary. We loved each other, we enjoyed spending time...but did we want to claim the 'girlfriend' tag, and deal with explaining to people how our respective boyfriends felt about it? Was the title that important to us? Ultimately, we started to use it more for ease of discussion with people who didn't know both of us. If I was talking to a friend from out of town, or someone I'd only just met, I'd refer to her as my girlfriend rather than try to explain our particular relationship.

There's also a problem with the assumptions people make when you start to use labels. I'm bi. What image does that bring up? For some, not a particular image. For others, there's the stereotype of the drunken teen kissing their best friend in a club because it makes the boys stare. There's the stereotype of the woman who will fool around with women, but not actually consider settling down and having a life with one.I am neither of those things, but when I use that word I run the risk of people assuming I am either of those things. Anyone who knows me is unlikely to come to either of those conclusions, but being a bi woman does still carry certain connotations. 

But how do you talk about yourself and your life without using tags? There is rarely time upon first meeting someone to go into the detail required to skip using tags. If I meet someone at a party, do I talk about my boyfriend and girlfriend, or do I take an hour and explain that I'm in a relationship with are a married couple who have a young child, that we're currently polyfidelitous* but may consider dating separately in later life, though no-one is keen on actually adding another primary*-type relationship into the mix as we seem to work well as a triad*. The latter contains way more accurate information, whilst the former is more easily understood, if imprecise.

So having said all of that, I love this graph. It tries to cover as many permutations of non-monogomy as it can. And, you know, it's funny. Where on the graph do we fit? I guess in the nice purple splodge that says 'polifidelity'. Minx and I both fit into the bisexual, one partner of each gender category. We also slightly fit into the yellow unicorn* box. Minx has referred to me as the unicorn they never knew they were looking for, which I like.

Terminology:

Polyfidelity - A polyamoros relationship wherein the members do not have outside relationships.

Primary - A partner who is your priority over other partners. Related terms are 'secondary' and 'tertiary'. A secondary is subordinate in importance to their partner's primary, but superior to a tertiary. Not all relationships work like this!

Triad - A form of relationship with three members, all of whom are in relationships with each other.

Unicorn - An attractive, bisexual female who is willing to date couples.