4th of July

This 4th of July was by far the most enjoyable I have spent in the USA - though it's only the 3rd I've had! The previous two have been while I was at camp, which was enjoyable, but not exactly exciting. Lots of fireworks though. This year, we were invited to go to a party at a Quaker Meeting House on Capitol Hill, with a couple of friends of Minx and Hermit, along with some Quakers that Hermit has met but who were new to myself and Minx.

I was...nervous about this. The group of people don't know my relationship to Minx and Hermit and probably wouldn't be overjoyed if they found out. Not that they'd be cruel or mean - these are Quakers, after all, but it would probably not be a terribly positive reaction. So I was stressed about this before we even left the house. To my surprise, it was actually a really good evening! It was a tad awkward when we arrived because, well, everyone knew each other and we didn't. But the people were nice, and there was good food. I thawed slightly when a group of us sat down to play a card game. Now, I'm not really a game person. I am overly competitive, which is not a trait I like in myself. I also do not play any game that does not function on a computer screen often enough to be any good at them....so I am a competitive person who does not win often. It's not a very good combination. Because of this I try to limit how often I play games. It was actually a pretty good game. It wasn't one where a single person could win, which is great, and it was easy enough that you could talk to each other while you were playing. Fun was had! People thought I was a spy and didn't believe me when I said 'no' because I blushed, which is unfortunate for them because I blush when there is a lot of attention on me, not when I lie. There were attractive men and I got to sit next to Minx which I always enjoy :D

Then we went onto the roof! In Capitol Hill! And watched fireworks! We could see about 15 different firework shows from the roof, including the big one organised by the government. So I spent that evening sitting on the roof, watching fireworks with my loves and a collection of some very friendly people. And an attractive man who voiced the opinion that I should do 'all the talking' so he could listen to my accent. Which was lovely to hear.

Family Pride

We went to DC Pride this weekend! It was fantastic fun, especially the parade on Saturday, We left the house kind of early and walked down with Child in the stroller. She fell asleep on the walk, which was nice as she stayed sleeping when we got to the parade route and picked out somewhere to sit, so Hermit, Minx and I got some time to be grown-ups together. The parade itself was loooong! It took a couple of hours and some of the organisations there confused me a bit (HSBC? You're a gay company now?). I do understand that they were showing their support but was a bit cynical about the whole thing until Minx kindly explained to me that at least some of the companies there probably had very strict anti-discrimination policy, which is a huge thing in a country in parts of which it is still legal to fire someone for being gay. So you go, HSBC! Protect your gay employees and come to Pride! Of course, there were the obligatory drag queens and semi-naked men and women...mostly men. Though there was a decidedly attractive woman on a motorbike right at the beginning who had nothing covering her breasts but her girlfriend's hands, who was sitting on the back of the bike. I enjoyed that. There was also a float themed on the British Olympics! Yay Britain! It was for the DC Aqua Club so there were lots of men wearing speedos with the Union Jack on them. I didn't quite see the connection, but one of the barely-clad men kindly explained that it was really just a theme that had something to do with swimming. Oh, and the had the Queen there too! She'd put on a bit of weight and looked distinctly more masculine than I remember, but her wave was very regal so it must have been her.

One of the things that I enjoyed more than anything else about the parade was Minx. I always enjoy her of course, but she was so affectionate. She's not one for conflict (meaning she'll do almost anything to avoid it), to the extent that she will not do something she really wants to, just in case a random passer-by is offended or bothered by it. This sometimes extends to being physically affectionate with me in public - it's not that she isn't, it's that she's more subtle about it. It decreases even more when we're all out a a family. She was distinctly uncomfortable about even going to the parade, but she pushed herself through it and even held my hand for most of the walk their :D Even in front of non-gay strangers! She was so brave about it, and it meant a lot to me. And at the end of the parade, when the Child was looking elsewhere, she pulled me in and gave me a wonderful kiss. Which I don't think she has ever done, in public, when we're very obviously part of a familial group. It gave me a lovely warm fuzzy feeling :) I am very proud of my darling lady :)

OH! And Hermit flirted with a guy :D it was awesome and he was brave and not at all creepy (something he worries about). So I am proud of him too!

To Reply or Not?

This is a slightly odd post to write, as the person concerned reads my blog and so what would ideally be an anonymous monologue will be instead a one-sided conversation. Strange, but there you go. Some back-story may be required, and will be provided as I deem necessary. Though it's not wholly my story to tell, so there may be some gaps. Telling the whole interwebs my life is one thing, telling someone else's is completely different. Suffice to say that I had a girlfriend, whom I shall call Giraffe, and around the time Hermit was getting ready to leave my country and go back to his, when I severely doubted I would ever see him again, things became less-than-good between Giraffe and I, for a variety of reasons. Things happened, there was confusion and I wound up feeling like I'd been abandoned by here at a time when I needed her the most. It was NOT and intentional abandoning and if I'd have opened my mouth (see a theme running through this blog?) and said how lost and alone I felt, I am very sure that she would have been more present for me.

We broke up, agreeing to stay friends. We drifted while I was in the US over the summer, and when I got back I wrote a long message to her saying how I felt about what happened. I don't imagine it was pleasant to read. She apologised (one of the fullest apologies I've ever received) and again, we decided to stay in touch. I've kind of...failed badly on that front. I'm appalling at keeping in touch with people anyway and it takes some serious perseverance to keep up a long-distance friendship with me. It's a major flaw and one that I work at...though less than I should. If I'm entirely honest with myself, I could have done a better job at contacting her. I'm bad, yes, but even I manage to message important people once every few months. I wasn't sure that I wanted to be in contact. She hurt me a lot, and I didn't know if I wanted to put in the insane amount of effort it takes me to maintain a friendship into someone that had, in my eyes, betrayed me. We saw each other briefly when I went home before Christmas, and I felt very awkward. Then, out of the blue, I got a birthday card and a letter from her (tip: I am more likely to respond to hand-written correspondence). The letter was, basically, things she feels that she had to say to me if we were to never speak again. It was beautiful, and thankfully I was at Hermit and Minx's apartment because I started crying like a child.

She wrote that she wasn't expecting a reply, but that if I felt like I wanted to be in touch, she would welcome any contact from me. That kind of stumped me. She hasn't had a reply, mainly because I still (roughly 3 weeks on) don't know if I want to. I miss sitting and talking for hours in a coffee shop with her, I miss getting drunk on gin together and giggling under tables, I miss the conversations we used to have. Hermit and Minx have both asked me if I miss those things, or if I miss her. I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though it's both and sometimes I feel as though I just miss the fun we used to have. It's very confusing, and will probably take me a while to get to grips with.

Giraffe...I don't know. You're not forgotten and never will be, but I just don't know.

A Petty Rant

I am very frustrated by something, and can't work out if I'm being petty or if my frustration is valid. It's in relation to my ex-boyfriend, so there is probably some pettyness in there somewhere, but I hope that it's not the entire reason. There's a bunch of stuff going on, but I guess the main aggravation is that I feel like he's moved into the social space I left. That is a very arrogant statement, I know, and not really true, but it's how I feel. He's socialising with all of my friends and has joined a student group that I was the chair for for a year. He's not even a student! That was MY thing! (ok, that's totally petty). I just feel like there's nothing left in Birmingham that's just mine. He's appropriated everything. I believe he's even going to church socials and he never once went to church with me. In 4 years. I've been out of Birmingham for 5 months and now he's at the pub with my church friends. WTF?!

I know that life goes on without me - both for him and the whole of Birmingham. I just feel like he's taking my space and not leaving anything for me to visit because he's there. I sound like a total child, I know. I just can't shake this. I swear he never made this much effort with my entire social circles when we were still together. It's very frustrating.

Sorry. All you're getting today is a rant. And the awesome news that I went for a run this evening. Yay running!

This Thing Called 'Life'

Apparently, outside of the internet, there's this thing called 'life'. It happens to me on a pretty regular basis and makes it rather hard to actually write a regular blog. This is something of an apology and an explanation, and a promise that normal service will resume on Monday.

Last week I gave a baby mild concussion. Not on purpose! Basically, his stroller tipped and I couldn't stop it from falling. That caused a fair bit of drama. Poor guy. He's fine, his mum took him to the hospital on Friday and they said to keep an eye on him but that he should be ok. He's been a bit moody since, but no amazingly huge personality changes. I also had a phone interview with a professor from my first choice school, who was very enthusiastic about my work and about my potential as a PhD student. On Saturday I woke up with a pretty nasty stomache bug which sucks, because Saturday was the day we'd all decided to go to Baltimore to look around as we may be movng there for my school. Despite the stomache bug, I had fun! Baltimore is surprisingly like Birmingham, my home of the past 5 years, and the university campus is GORGEOUS. I spent a lot of Saturday sleeping in the car :( We also saw some friends of Minx and Hermit's, who I like very much. Hermit actually took them to a coffee shop and told them about our triad, which was wonderful. Their basic response was 'yeah, we thought so. Just waiting until you were ready to tell us'. Which, for your average response, is a very good one. They'd like to hang out more and get to know me better which is an entirely mutual feeling, especially now I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with them. I tend to be quiet in groups of people who all know each other. Sunday was spent mostly in bed, mostly feel appalling. I didn't even get to go to orchestra, I was feeling so ill :(

Now I am feeling healthy and happy again :D My stomache is back to normal and I've had a reasonable amount of sleep, though probably still not quite enough. I've also received an official invitation to visit the university I had the phone interview for, which is really great news and I'm waiting to hear from them about dates.

Normal service will resume on Friday! I'm sorry for the delay...but sometimes life happens :)

I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar...

Well, not really. I was just thinking of an appropriate title for today's post and this song popped into my head. It has a slightly disturbing video, but made me giggle.

Anyway, the reason for this musing is that on Friday, we all went to a gay bar. Minx and I are obviously down with the ladies. We like the boobs. Hermit has, in the past few weeks, come to the realisation that he's pretty cool with men too. Well, not 'cool' as such. More 'finds some disturbingly attractive for a man who identifies as straight'. Here's his take on it, for those who are interested. Once he'd got over the initial OMGWTF, and the secondary SRSLYOMGWTF, one of us (can't remember who) suggested going to a bar so he could look at pretty men and potentially do some flirting. And so Minx and I could be the raging lesbians we secretly are. Seriously though, she and I had never really gone out as a couple, so we had a really fun time. Even though it was open to both genders, the vast majority of the crowd were men. Which was slightly odd and a little intimidating, but hey! I was there with my girlfriend and boyfriend, so it was all good :D Plus the doorman told me I have a nice smile as we walked in, which gave me a bit of a boost. Minx and I spent most of the evening cuddling and flirting, and watching people. One of the guys on the table behind us kept staring which was kind of odd. Being in a gay bar, you wouldn't have thought girl-on-girl would have drawn that much of attention.

Hermit, unfortunately, did not find anyone to flirt with :( It appeared to be more of a place you go to with people, rather than a place you go to to meet people. Which was sad. But he said there were only a couple of guys he found attractive there anyway, and they were with a group so ho hum. He is concerned that, being 31, he'd missed the boat for fnding a man. I don't think that this is the case but having gone to a gay bar and had no-one pay him any attention, he's still a bit concerned. He's going to keep looking, and we're going to keep being supportive! It's not like any of us even have time for another partner, but I know he'd like someone to go on a couple of dates with at least. So if anyone knows any cute bi/gay, poly, Christian guys in the DC area, give us a shout...

Assumptions Make the World Go Round

I was reading a forum discussion last week about polyamory and spiritual/religious practices. I was mainly reading it for something to do – the discussion was a few years old and I didn't want to resurrect it, but one post caught my eye. This person stated that, by definition, a practising Christian

would be against polyamory as it is a sin against God and man.

All practising Christians are against polyamory.

Hi, I'm Isobel. I'm a polyamorous, practising Christian.

I'm also a woman. As a woman, I enjoy knitting, the company of small children, baking, wearing make-up, reading the gossip columns in glossy magazines and watching reality tv. (Two of those are correct)

I'm exaggerating the point. The original comment on the forum thread wasn't inflammatory, or insulting and I have taken it entirely out of context.

It does still raise a valid point for me. People tend to assume that Christians will not be open to or accepting of polyamory. I do it to! I met a young woman today who seemed nice, and we were chatting. I referred to my boyfriend and girlfriend as 'friends'. I often do this with strangers as we're closeted, but I was even more cautious about this woman as we had previously been talking about what churches we attend. I, a polyamorous Christian, was assuming that another Christian would have a problem with my lifestyle.

Why did I do that?

My best answer is because I've had...issues in the past with other Christians making incorrect, hurtful assumptions about me because I happen to form multiple romantic attachments. Yet, I do know better. We're not all like that. Both of my partners are Christian. My ex-girlfriend is Christian. I have Christian friends who have no problem with my lifestyle.

I guess the trick here is just to keep standing up and declaring my faith, my loves, and the compatibility of both. And maybe being a little less judgemental myself.

Making Friends

On Thursday, the three of us went to our first ever poly meet-up, a discussion group rather than a munch*.

It was AWESOME.

Whilst I have had a strong support of poly/alternative folk previously, I've never been to a specifically poly group. Hermit and Minx have just never had either. It was so good to be able to introduce myself as being with them both, as a girlfriend and not just a 'friend'. I got to sit next to Minx, with my hand somehow holding both hers and Hermit's, without being looked at weirdly.

Everyone was there for different reasons. Some were looking to make friends and network, some were getting into poly and wanted people to talk to, some had been in it for a while and were looking to share their experiences. We went for a number of reasons. So there's one place we can be open, to get advice and share problems with other poly people. And to have some fun. None of us really know many people in DC, and a poly discussion group sounds like a good place to meet like-minded folk. Strange, that.

Oddly, I was one of the more experienced people there, despite also being the youngest. There were a lot of people just getting into it and I have been interested at least for a long time now. The experience was spread widely. At one end were the people who were just getting information, at the other were people who had been living poly for 10-15 years. There wasn't a whole lot in-between. Everyone was really friendly and helpful, though I think I need to be less cavalier about how our triad formed. It was a bit of an accident. We all assumed it would be a V*, then Minx and I got to know each other and suddenly I was asking Hermit how he'd feel if I fell in love with his wife. It is an accidental triad. I kind of exhibited this view and one of the men there very gently chastised us. Apparently people can search for 10 years for a compatible triad and never find one, and we just stumbled into it. I knew triads were unusual, but I didn't realise they were quite that rare.

Speaking of rarities, I was also pointed out as the ideal unicorn :D That made me smile.

I feel very lucky that ours works so well, and that we are so compatible. Things would have been very different if Minx and I hated each other, or if we were both straight. There were stories about people who wouldn't even talk to their partner's partner - that would be horrendous!

It was wonderful to be able to talk with other people about our collective experiences. There was a great deal of sharing, and a lot of giving and receiving of advice. Someone might ask 'how do you deal with x emotion' and three other people would compare experiences and offer strategies or alternative ways of viewing said emotion. There was practical advice too, along the lines of how to deal with children, coming out to family and being closeted.

I know Minx found it useful to be able to speak in a safe environment. She (and Hermit) have found it hard to not have anyone else to talk to about this, outside of our triad. It was validating for her to have people say 'yes, I feel/felt that way too' or 'that's something I still struggle with'. She would put it more succinctly than I, but it's safe to say that it was a much-needed experience. We're planning on going back next month and maybe going to one of the DC munches.

Terminology:
Munch - originally from the BDSM community (at least, that's where I know it from), a munch is an informal, social gathering where people can make friends within the BDSM/poly/whatever community. In the UK these normally take place in a pub, and food is often involved.
V - a poly formation of three people, two of whom are in a relationship with the third person, but not each other.